My Life...

sat nite..

2005-11-26T20:47:00.000+08:00

yeah it's a stay home saturday nite again...hmm...well...duno how i'm gonna pass time lata but i'll try to tink of something to do..if not i'll just sleep..

supposed to meet derek but in the end he din wan to come out...supposed to play badminton but coz long was oredi in jurong lazy to travel down myself...supposed to club with meizhen but in the end, she oso had other plans...all other frens oso busy....hmmm....n my dear? still in new zealand...sighz...loneliness is hard to bear...

well..n lazy to start studying for ethics...i'd prob onli start tom (if i'm hardworkin) or tue ba...then after that, have to find things to do to keep myself occupied till dear is back...

when dear knew that zheshan attached, he asked me how i felt...hmmm...well, in a way, seeing him happy n that he has found someone whom he can innocently love again, i'm happy for him ba...

as for me, i will be a good good gf to moi dear...n forget all the unhappy stuff n treat dear much betta than how i treated zheshan...n hopefully, i will be able to bring happiness to dear...

hmm..nothing much to say le...damn bored..haha...

2005-10-24T08:01:00.000+08:00

this blog is officially closed...i will be creating another new blog...

will keep those frenz in my msn list updated...:)

2005-10-23T02:23:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow morning
if you wakeup and the sun does not appear
I will be here
If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind I will listen

And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together

I will be here
Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here

Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older I will hold you
And I will be here

To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me
Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the sun does not appear I will be here
Oh, I will be here

...

2005-10-15T11:04:00.000+08:00

just woke up after onli bout 4 to 5 hrs of sleep...yawnz...coz dear called me...talked for a while til i was awake liao..heck lar...gotta go prepare to go to sch soon aw...

this week has been hectic...coz of...birthdae celebrations..haha..i've been to ktv like 3 times liaoz...n i wanna thank all my frens for helping me to celebrate yar..esp after being with such a fren who has been lousy for the past 2 years..

actual bdae met him...ok lar...normal..realli normal...i dun expect anyting from him...so we just watched bleach, slept, eat breakfast, play ps then go dye hair...yar...that's how i spent my bdae...

been talking to dear a lot...hmmm....ok larh he's a nice person, he's doing not bad in his career, he treats me veri well, he dotes on me and he is very understanding...so i can focus all my efforts into my studies n slowly piecing up the broken pieces in my life...

ppl may feel that ya i'm in a rebound relationship...mayb i shouldn't go into one as of nw...i'm not denying that it is a possibility...but it's not as if there is no attraction at all...at least he makes me feel comfortable n makes me feel that i dun nid to act so strong or b the onli one to face all the problems myself....n he has one thing that is very very impt -- committment... but then again, haha, a bit scary oso...coz he told me he is giving himself 3 years to save up n then propose to me...like a bit fast rite...

i may nt love him now...but i will learn to and wun prevent it from developing...i'm totally clear headed le lar...i was in a vicious cycle again and again and again in the past...2 years is enuff to screw up my life...he wants to screw up his own life, that's his own business...since gals n play is his whole world to him, then mayb he shld just be a gigolo??? haha...hmm...i tink that sounded a bit mean...bt well heck lar...i've realli had enuff...

the amt of frens i have lost, the amt of hurt i've brought to other ppl around me, the precious time where i was supposed to b showcasing my own capabilities...all these have been lost during the past 2 years...now it's time for me to go forward at double the usual pace to make up for everyting...

hmm...i tinking of gg for work n travel USA...duno whether it will be fun..haha

true love

2005-10-08T06:22:00.000+08:00

does love even exist in this world?

if it does, y is everyone acting as if it doesn't?

maybe it realli doesn't...

i'm disappointed..utterly disappointed...with myelf, myself n myself

shldn't have such a myopic view

...

2005-10-07T17:29:00.000+08:00

i hate myself...REALLI hate myself....

gonna isolate n do some thinking

tired...

2005-10-07T00:23:00.000+08:00

hee...just reached home n i'm sweaty all over...haven bathe yet...haha

went to play badminton after work just now...todae's quite enjoyable...one hr straight without resting coz we had exactly eight ppl for two courts...nice!!!

sighz...everyone's busy this weekend...gotta find tings to do to keep myself occupied oredi...

i wonder how long more i will take to stop tinking of him...hmmmz...

okok..gonna bathe...smelly smelly..haha

thinking...

2005-10-06T00:18:00.000+08:00

met niki for dinner todae at ps...hee...talked about a lot of stuff...which set me thinking on a lot of tings...hmmz...aw i'm glad to have known someone like her....haha....

after that, shyan n co came to pick me up...sent niki home before heading to my place...went up to change n get the games then headed to long's place...whahahaha....hmmmz...long is not bad at winning eleven sia...i must train harder to WIN him...i onli won a few games marginally...n realli by luck onli...sighz...

i tink i'm making a very wrong move...well well well...i still have time to tink bout tings...:)

...

2005-10-05T01:41:00.000+08:00

yawnz...tired liaoz...waiting for bernice to give me work to do for ethics..haha...

aw...kns..todae woke up with swollen lips...must be wenyang's stupid mouth...he was just saying very long neva see sausage lips liao...then the veri next dae kenna...sighz

so i skipped service marketing...went to sch at 230 for MOI project meeting...was done in quite a while...hmmz...that's a pretty difficult project to do...

decided to go trim my hair after that...went down to yvonne's salon...she act still rem me..haha...so guilty coz i haven been patronising her for quite some time...BUT everyone says my hair no difference...arghz...nvm lar..i just wanted to trim to make it more neat onli aw...

then long called me...so after cutting my hair, went down to potong pasir to meet him n then we went down to jurong to meet shyan, marianne, wee seng n his gf...had dinner there n then shyan suggested playing basketball...haha...

n so we went to do just that...i din realli play lar...n it was onli a while before the lights went out at 10...so we proceeded to jurong hill next...went there tok cok a while then went home le...

i've been happy these two daes...:)

yeah!!! meeting niki tom....miss her...she's damn cute...haha...i still rem her brain freeze tingy...i laff until stomach pain sia!!! okok...looking forward to tom...hee

thanx

2005-10-02T11:54:00.000+08:00

i just wanna say a big thank you to one of my bestest fren...

thanx for waking me up and talking sense into me...

thanx for making me realise how much i've given up for him and it's time to achieve what i'm capable of achieving

thanx for making me realise that i shld learn how to control my feelings...

i oso wanna say thanx to u n long...for pei-ing me all this while n trying to take my mind off things...

i'm sori for not having been such a good fren yar...

i'll make up for it...haha....coz frenships are the onli ting that will last a lifetime...:)

wat more?

2005-10-02T05:20:00.000+08:00

this is in response to wat gio posted in my tag...i'll tell u why this relationship has come to this...

when he was down, i stayed with him

when he was sick, i took care of him

when he was hungry, i cooked for him

when everyone didn't believe him, i was the only one who did

when he fails in his studies, i encouraged him

when he doesn't feel like studying, i tried to push him to

when he cheated on me the first time, i forgave him

when he cheated on me the second time, i forgave him

when he cheated on me the nth time, i also chose to forgive him

when he tells me he doesn't want me anymore, i begged him

when he's lonely, i make sure i have time for him

when he feels that i'm a v sian person, i smile for him

when he feels that my work is taking up a lot of time, i cut back on my work for him

when he feels that i'm too close with my friends, i dun contact my frens

when everyting else fails, i stuck by him

when he tells me he doesn't feel anyting for me, i hide my tears n tell him that it's ok, i will wait for him

when he tells me he cannot commit, i still choose to stick with him

can a kind soul tell me wat else i haven done for this relationship? i have put in my all...my heart, my whole life, my whole world n my pride...but however hard i try...i am but onli one hand clapping...

there is absolutely nothing more that i could have done...everyting i have, i gave it all to him...

n i'll tell u how my life has been these past few years...

i gave up my friends, i gave up my studies, i gave up my family....

when i was down, he was out there with other gals...when i was sick, he was also out there with other gals...when i needed him, he was also out there with other gals...when i put my whole heart in his hands even after being cheated so mani times, he still chose to throw it on the floor n step on it...when i cried, i get scolded...when i m afraid, he says i'm pessimistic...when i'm tired after a whole dae of work or sch, he says i'm sian...

there's no one i noe of who can take the kinda shit that i have taken...

n even up till now, i am still giving him chances...

but u noe wat?

he does not want me enuff to stop his flirting...

other gals are always betta than me...

if after all this, u tink that i shld still have put in somemore effort, i tink u shld go talk to ur bro instead..it's realli not up to me...

u will neva understand how hard it is for me to give him up n u will neva understand how much i love him...n u will neva understand how painful it is to live my life without him...

pls dun say that i neva put in effort...

...

2005-10-01T17:13:00.000+08:00

was just browsing thru my emails...n this was wat he sent to me two years ago...

02/11/2003 titled "coz i wanna email u"
ex-dear,

duno really know wat i want to say, juz tt i juz think tt i shld email u.. well, i m in the midst of my exams nw when we broke up.. its all my fault no doubt bout it.. i tink i really took over my dad's genes coz i m such a flirt.. always crush on other gals easily.. bt seriously may u believe it or nt, i dun care bout them. i juz wanted to see wat reaction i will get.. even if they like me, i oso wun go wif them or anything..

after giving this some thots, i feel tt maybe its coz tt i hav a low self esteem.. so if gals like kinda hav something for me, i guess it kinda boost my esteem in one way or another.. i m nt sayin this as an excuse bt i guess thats wat i wanna say..well, its nt tt i m nt remorseful, its juz tt i seriously dun tink i hav any feelings for them and i know tt its wrong oso... call it thrill if u wan.. dun worry i will give us many thots after the exams.. nw exams i oso dun wan to think.. dun wan to break dwn or anything.. gonna be strong dun wana dabao too many..

i know tt i m nt worthy for u.. u r like so hardworkin can think.. while i m the opposite of u.. sighz.. sometimes i do feel inferior oso...lastly, i was really quite disappointed when u delete everything frm frenster... those testimonials r precious to me.. bt well.. its gone nw.. and i cant believe tt u actually log into my icq and frenster etc... guess its gd in a sense coz u luv me so u wan to know... bt i dun really approve of it.. coz neva hav i eva done this b4 or even think bout it b4...well.. nvm bout tt..

i m sorry tt i made u so hurt.. i m sorry... sorry is neva enuff i know bt thats all i can say nw.. will think bout wat i wan.. maybe try to change my habits in the process.. i duno how long it will take bt when i m done i will 'sian' u again.. bt if u r taken by them, i will juz hav to blame myself for nt treasuring u in the past...

love and lotsa luv
zheshan

04/11/2003 titled "for you"
dear

i cant get to sleep... so decided to email u.. guess u r rather cold towards me nwadays duno why oso.. sometimes i really bout the both of us.. i really think tt i m nt worthy of ur intense luv for me.. why can u luv me so much n yet i can still be like that.. then i tink of us again.. past, present and future.. i will juz break dwn and cry.. if i still cry does it mean i still luv u as much? even as i type this email nw i m still in tears.. i m nt writing this to gain sympathy frm u or anything.. nt expectin a patch back frm u or something.. i know tt if i dun treasure u nw.. i will regret foreva for the rest of my life..

i always think if i can be able to luv u as much as u luv me.. no doubt tt i luv u bt i m afraid tt i may hurt u again... really.. i m nt finding excuses for myself.. therefore i must find out wat i really wan in my life and wat i wan in a relationship.. i know u only luv me and no one else bt i still wanna kid myself tt maybe u hav a liking for other guys.. guess this lightens my guilt...

i juz wanna u to know tt u truly r the only gal i hav eva luv.. wif u i hav known wat it is like to be loved and love.. sighz.. how i wish i was the kelvin b4 we broke up in the beginning.. then we will be so happy together and nt cause so much pain to u... i m truly sorry tt i hav hurt u so deeply.... sorry....

to the one and only gal tt i will only fall in luv over and over again wif
zheshan

well...it seems that this is quite a strong enuff proff that people dun change...prob i'm the onli one in a million who did change...n i expected the same of him...sori blog readers, i noe my blogs are pretty negative n pessimistic...just bear with me for a while more..i'll get over it...

...

2005-10-01T16:37:00.000+08:00

arghz...my back n legs are damn pain....wat's the fiaking prob man....

awz..couldn't take the boredom last nite so went out even tho was not feeling v well...met januarius, he had his dinner n then we went over to church..hmmmz....i tink i'm going to go back to church...

he said a lot of tings to me...n for now, i tink i'm going to rediscover my goals in life first and then decide wat to do...its not gg to be fair to him if i rush into a relationship now...but one ting i noe for sure...he realli loves me n he is the 10% of the whole population of guys who will remain faithful to me...

aw...after that, shyan n co came to pick me up from church...and then, we started our shi zi lu kou...wahahha....

went to jalan kayu...ordered 34 bucks worth of food...scary....i had one kosong, one egg onion and a few sips of kambing soup...shyan had nasi goreng pattaya (which is damn good), kambing soup and cheese prata...long had ice-cream prata, cheese and half of jolin's cheese mushroom prata..n jolin had half a cheese mushroom...hmm...this is the second consecutive day we were at jalan kayu actually...haha...

ok...after that, we proceeded to maxwell market...and they had frog leg porridge..me? i couldn't eat anymore....i surrender sia!!! ohh...n i saw one of the project superstar's judges...the first one who always says "hor"...reminds me of him n how he always imitates the judge...n as usual, the first person i always thot of sharing wat i see is with him..but yupz, of course it's not possible now...

after maxwell, drove down to geylang to eat dou hua...i had dou hua shui plus half a youtiao (was forced to eat but i was realli fiaking full oredi)...n they continued to eat...haha....i tink all of us were damn full liao...

after that, all of us started getting tired...so we decided to go down to ponggol park...wanted to hang out at the park but there were so mani mosquitoes so we ended up gg back to the car instead...then me n shyan had to go to the toilet so we went to the one at 401...saw my frens there n talked to them for a while...after that, couldn't find shyan so went back to the car..but when i approached the car, i tink i saw something farnie gg on (not v sure) but erm..not v nice to interrupt so i walked back to 401 and heng i saw shyan...haha

aw...we decided not to interrupt them...so we just found a nice place to sit by the lake and started talking...he gave me a lot of pretty useful insights into my relationship n yar...it's true if me n kelvin were to just have our own lives outside n still be together..prob we would work out fine...BUT firstly, darl is possessive...secondly, i would also not want to hurt darl by doing the same things he did to me....

in view of all these stuff, i thot that yupz, it's time for me to move on..and mayb i realli shld start opening up my heart to januarius...n chatted online with darl after that...i told myself i will not cry for him anymore...but the video he sent me of he himself crying realli broke down my defences...sighz...we were so in love n were so good with each other...onli god knows why it has come to this....mayb he has better plans for the both of us...but u noe wat? i'm bu fu qi...why isit that i fight so hard for my happiness but it comes to nought!! but i oso have no choice...

so it's goodbye to quite a lot of people...darl, gio, justin, albert, ming, cheryl, jon...ppl who have mattered to me for the past few months...but just coz i'm known as "kelvin's gf"...i will prob not see them again....

wellz...arghz...as i'm typing i'm gritting my teeth sia...my back is realli giving me a lot of problems..couldn't sleep properly last nite coz of it too...

bdae's coming...n it will be a damn sad 23rd for me...

...

2005-09-30T17:36:00.000+08:00

just felt like blogging but i duno wat to blog about

veri sick now...if onli i can just cont sleeping foreva...but even when i sleep, i dream...

feeling quite sad too...when i chat to gio, it was weird...duno how to explain...i oso duno wat kelvin told her but well...since i wun see her again, i'll just wish her all the best in everyting she does...

as days goes by, it seems that it gets harder for me to be totally convinced of my decision...but well, it should be the right one ba...

hmmm...i tink i shld listen to ling n start eating properly n not push myself so hard...if not, i tink i'll just die v soon...

it's fri nite...wat shld i do...hmmm

confused

2005-09-29T02:24:00.000+08:00

i am so confused...wat exactly is love?

when a person knows the wayy back home but still continues to fool around outside...is that coz he treasures the other person...hmmm

i tink i'll still stick to my opinion..ppl who haven been hurt before will neva be able to understand from a victim's pt of view...

as for me, i have been thru both stages...so i tink i m correct ba

sighz

i tink i m seh

in class rite now.

2005-09-28T12:07:00.000+08:00

in MR class rite now...wanted to go home after ethics presentation but well, just stay on ba...

aw ethics was ok...n heng i got the ppt out in time...din manage to turn up for rehearsal tho...

Thoughts:

my eyebags are horrible

i nid to get new formal clothes coz the others are too big

my weight has gone down again

the whole MR lesson is on stats this week...boring topic

i'm v stressed

since sun, i cried for the first time this morning

i tink i'm realli overworked

food sounds boring to me nw

i'm broke

i've been buying one pack every day since sunday...hav to go buy another one lata...n i onli bought one yest afternoon

i nid sleep n rest but am afraid to have free time to myself dats why i've been overloading myself with work

will prob be meeting meizhen tonite

sori to everyone who has been trying to tok to me nowadaes...reali v busy

must rem to send bert chinese songs...kept asking me for it last nite

no more bleach for me...i hav to go and suck up to ah ben now..haha..since he's the only other one i noe who watches it...besides weesoon who's all the way down-under

i duno wat the fark the prof is talking about..but it's coz i neva listen..haha

bdae is coming..same situation as last year...i dun wan it to come...mayb i shld work on that dae to avoid feeling lonely

i tink relationships are a waste of time

ok my mind is blank now. shall stop here

i nid strength...

2005-09-28T08:39:00.000+08:00

i nid strength...

used to wonder how i managed to survive hard times in the past...it's simply coz of the knowledge that he's with me...tho he isn't realli there when i nid him...the very fact that we were still together gave me strength...

n now...

i duno how...

i onli noe that everydae's a drag...wats the pt in living man...

blogging in sch rite now...

2005-09-27T08:07:00.000+08:00

just finished my readings for Svc Mktg project preparation lata...currently taking a short break in school at pick & bite..hee....

wanted to wake up at 5am todae...but i was realli too tired coz slept at bout 2am the nite before...well, at least i managed to drag myself out of bed at 530...haha....reached school at 710....hmmm...pretty earli...

wanted to eat eggs n toast...but decided against it...firstly, coz i m getting sick of it...secondly, i'm trying to change all my previous habits....

sighz....todae's gonna be another long dae...have 3 project meetings and the most impt one is the ethics one...shit man...how to entertain the class for 1 n a half hrs? difficult sia...n our cases are so boring....so i predict that i'll be in sch till late in the nite and after that would have to prepare for my own part for presentation n wake up fiaking earli again tom....there goes all my sleep!!!

got a few new eng songs in my song list now...courtesy of bert...haha...good barter trade...i provide him chinese songs, he provide me english songs...

had a veri interesting conversation with callie last nite...about love...n our conclusion is that ultimate love is the hardest!!! as in you realli just wan the person to be happy, even if it means giving him/her up to another person...just like in the korean drama "tian guo de jie ti"....the brother is the ultimate lover man....

we also talked bout how simple/hard it is to love someone....but i feel that loving someone is easy...it is onli when u expect something in return then it becomes hard...n yupz...i feel that it has been that way for me...i expected reciprocation n honesty and that's why the r/s is so unhappy....so yupz...i tink i've made the right decision this time round....I will learn how to let go...hee...

ohh n another ting..me n callie also agreed that often, it's difficult to know what would make the other person happy...onli the other person would know...

well...gg for meeting liaoz...

taking a short break from work...

2005-09-26T22:00:00.000+08:00

yawnz...currently taking a short break from work..so sianz...got so much stuff to do....have been working non-stop since 5am this morning...

Some random thots:

I tink i'm gonna fail my MOI ind case study.

MR test was ok. At least the questions did not look alien to me. But someone should get rid of the negative marking system. Damn the idiot who thought of it in the first place. Aren't we all supposed to be in an environment where learning is encouraged?

One interesting fact: Only two people msged me todae. Back to the quote: "to the whole world, you may be one person but to one person you may be the whole world". So I have lost my world. But I'm learning to deal with it.

thanx bert, ling, zijia for being a listening ear.

I should learn to be more disciplined and focused.

I should drive out all stoopid thoughts out of my head.

I should stop blaming myself for everything that happened.

I finally understood how it feels like to be utterly disappointed in another person.

How can people actually get thru life without any goals in life?

I realised I do not blame him at all. It isn't his fault that it did not work out.

I know why the "I love SMU" campaign. To survive in SMU, you have to love it. If not, you will perish. Like wat i'm heading towards.

I think relationships are pointless. I wanna be single, maybe for the rest of my life. But then again, I can't stand loneliness. So mayb not.

I dun tink I will be able to sleep again tonight coz of the tremendous workload.

I should start thinking for myself from now on. Used to center everything around him. Realised I haven't thot much about my own life and neglected my surroundings.

It's pretty cool to not talk at all!! You get to do a lot of thinking, reflection and of course, observations

I've had 2 cans of redbull and one iced coffee from pick n bite todae. But I still feel so tired. Are there any other alternatives to perk myself up?

Downloaded almost all of Liang Jing Ru's new songs during MR class todae. Was looking thru all her lyrics. Y do people like to wallow in misery?

I'm trying to guess how long I will take to get over him? My current estimate: Probably a few years.

I hate to come to this...BUT i've gotta get back to work.

thot tings will be different

2005-09-25T22:10:00.000+08:00

i thot for once...i would be able to enjoy my bdae without being sad...

i thot for once...i would be able to lean on someone and not worry bout anyting...

i thot for once...you would somehow care bout how i feel...

i thot for once...tings would finally work out....

but....

that one time will neva come...i tink it was lost a long time ago...

now...

i have to learn to live a completely different new life....

stressed...

2005-09-25T21:53:00.000+08:00

arghhhhzzz....yesh i'm damn stressed....there's so much stuff to do...

awz just back from darl's place...went over to do work....completed my individual case study there...dammit!!! my personal evaluation of my work: it's crap...i tink i'm gonna do damn badly for it...but well, heck lar...i got no time to go n brush up on it oso...

when reached darl's place, i immediately cheong for his bed...sighz...coz i was having a dizzy spell again...dammit man...duno wat's wrong with my body....hopefully it's realli nothing serious....

ok..so he's meeting weihong nw...apparently...n hopefully that's all to it...sighz...i realli got no more energy left in me to go n care bout such stuff....pls dun let anyting happen now...if not, history is gg to repeat itself again n i'm going to screw up everyting again...i realli cannot afford to do so liao..have been screwing up the previous two terms...

okie..i've got a test which i haven studied for...n two other projects that i have to gao dim...arghz....work work work

sick n tired...

2005-09-22T20:31:00.000+08:00

i tink i should get back to blogging...hee...

had a hectic week n it's gonna get worse....haven done anyting todae yet coz i'm feeling so sick...had this stupid flu for days oredi...n my voice has also changed coz my throat is inflammed...wat a time to fall sick now...well, at least i haven come down with fever yet..hopefully not!!! can't afford to at this time...

awz...got so much stuff to do...lemme see...there's a test, one 1 and a half hr presentation, two reports and several project meetings next week...I'm like seriously going to murder myself soon...sighz...everydae's just work, work n more work....n i din work this week too which means i'll be earning less this month...shitz....

N yupz, i have finally decided to quit mentoring...I'm sure many of my friends would feel that it's coz of relationship problems...I dun deny that it's part of the reason why i quit but there were other things too...n i oso want some free time on my own...I am already so shagged by so mani things...with sch work (which is seriously no joke), working part-time and teaching tuition (my poor kid...always kenna changing of tuition dates n less tuition coz i can't fit him in any other time)....seems like free time is a luxury now...but i'm sure gg to miss some of the kids at mentoring...

was chatting to kah hui last nite...he was asking me whether i was going to go for mentoring session...n i said nope, i oredi quit...n he was like huh, y leh...now nobody for him to di siao oredi...then will b veri sian...but he said nvm, he's got my num...will di siao me when he too free...haha...hmmmz...he's one of those kids that i will miss the most from mentoring...

I duno whether I made the right decision...but I'm gonna stick with it...I dun have the time or energy to commit aw...n if it drags on, everyone will oso be unhappy with me...so just leave it at that....

hmmz...darl's still sleeping now...he like still macham holiday mood lidat n it's oredi week 8 going on to week 9 for him...which means exams are round the corner...n he's still not feeling the pressure n heat...well, hopefully he does soon..if not...............i oso duno....haha

aw thanx darl for making the effort to meet me in the nites to pei me coz of my busy schedule...:)

Specially for my darl...

2005-09-11T22:09:00.000+08:00

It's been ages since i blogged...n now I am doing so to get some things off my chest...

The past few months have been a series of ups and downs...I have been very happy but at the same time, I have been an unreasonable bitch...I've evolved to some paranoid being and restricting darl in everyting he does...making him feel v trapped and unhappy when he's with me...

I'm sori for everyting...n sori that I have treated you the way I did..i realli am...

All I wanted to was to hold on to someone who is so dear and precious to me...someone who means the whole world to me...n due to my own insecurities, I have forced myself into a situation where I am losing him....

He no longer smiles when he's with me...He no longer holds me the way he used to...N now, he's just trying to be someone that he isn't...someone who, in my own terms, is a good bf...No longer is he showing me who he realli is n telling me how he feels...instead, he's tired...

Why did I have to go and push him to this? I realli deserve it this time...He was putting in a lot of effort and trying to treat me nice...

The onli ting i can do now is to give him all the freedom he wants...Darl..i realli hope that you will be happi...if it means not having u in my life, altho I still have no idea how I'm going to live without you, but I tink compared to seeing you so sad, I can try to push away all the pain...

Right from the start, I have always seen myself ending up with you...n that's why i held on so tightly...even when my heart has been cut up n stepped on over n over again, i told myself that I shld still try...but I seem to be making things worse...

My heart is aching n the pain is unbearable but i guess i deserve it ba....

please be happy my darling...that's all i ask for now....

...

2005-07-17T22:56:00.000+08:00

todae's gonna be an earli nite for me coz thot darl shld spend some time with his family at home...

haven been working last week coz was on mc all the way...had an eye infection which is supposed to be contagious...but then darl didn't get it leh...so mayb it's not? hmmz...well, i duno....bt my darl has been v sweet...accompanying me thruout coz he knew i'd be bored all alone at home...haha

aw...watched this jap movie called "crying out love in the centre of the world"...sighz...it was very draggy n not v nice...darl fell asleep during the show...that's how bad it was...haha

went to club momo yest....the place was packed lar...n i was oredi quite pissed coz i was getting pushed around a lot..then this stupid bitch just had to come knocking straight into me...damn man!!! n following that, some stupid b***t**d flicked his ciggy ash (i duno whether it was just the ash or the whole stick) onto my feet n it hurt a damn lot lar...so i was pissed...super...that kinda spoilt tings for me n inevitably, for darl...i'm sori darl for losing my temper but i was realli pissed man...

but all in all, i'm glad that me n darl have finally found a way to club together...haha...tho we've been tog so long, we neva club together one...we always club separately...n i tink darl's quite a good dancer...v expressive n cheeky...hee....

woke up todae with an aching body...then went down to darl's place...n he was still sleeping..haha...in the end, since he din wake up n i couldn't wake him up, i fell asleep too..by the time we woke up, it was 7pm oredi...

went for dinner..had satay beehoon n popiah...damn full...in the end, darl had to eat part of my share too...ohh yar, talkin bout food reminds me of yest's dinner...we went to billy bombers for dinner...all of us ordered a burger each n the portion is super big lar...wahhaha...bert finished his in no time coz he was very hungry, darl finished next, i was struggling thru by the end of the first half of my burger n justin...whahaha...i tink he was going to puke everyting out liao..damn farnie sia....he was like super full n his face was like super tong ku...haha...must find a way to put up the video that i took of him...

sighz..tom gotta work again...if onli i'm loaded...then i can slack all day...whaaha....quit dreaming sia...

ohhh yar..just remembered..i had a weird dream last nite..dreamt that i stole someone else's hp while the person was in the toilet in ktv...coz that person left the hp lying outside..n i took it coz it was the same hp as darl's...his new samsung e730...haha...n i was tinking to myself...how nice, now me n darl got couple fone...hahaha....aiyah...stupid dream lar...

okok...gonna chat to my darl first then go zzzz liao...it's good to sleep earli...wahah...i'm crapping...okok...

damn suay...

2005-07-12T15:25:00.000+08:00

i'm at home now...neva go to work again..sighz...n i have been like super suay these days...

been getting rashes all over moi legs nowadaes....n yest, my left eye turned super red...i duno wat's wrong...mayb it's an infection...mayb it's sore eyes...but damn sian lar...it's like maximum red sia....n pus just keeps gathering...n when i wake up, i always cant open moi eyes....sianz....

n last nite, when i got off darl's bike, my leg got into contact with his exhaust pipe..kaoz...damn painful lar...last time kept laffing at callie n crystal's legs...now retribution....piled on aloe vera as soon as i got home...n now, i have a scar on my leg...sianz...

waiting for darl to come now...he's taking a darn long time sia....i'm gg to the doctor bout moi eye...by the look of tings, i dun tink i'll b able to turn up for work tom again...shitz..my workload is piling up at work liao lar...damn sian....

awz...i tink darl is trying his bestest in the r/s now...has been super sweet to me...even came down to meet me for lunch yest n we ended up eating at one of the restaurants near the amoy street food market coz he said it was very hot outside...tsk tsk....pampered kid...haha...

n well, yupz, i'm about the happiest gal alive now...coz of darl, my whole world lights up....the power of love...wahahah....

niki niki, when we meeting up again? haha....

back to blogging

2005-07-10T14:43:00.000+08:00

haven been blogging for aeons coz i haven had the time to...after work would usually meet darl n come home in the wee hrs of the morning and the same goes for weekends...so i would be too tired to blog...

right after my grandma's funeral...that evening, met niki for dinner together with darl and gio...we din realli talk much but i felt v comfortable around her...it's a weird feeling that i can't put into words...even before i met her, i had this feeling that we could connect...wellz, mayb coz we've been thru similar stuff before and both of us still choose to believe in our own ideals although the world around us is revolving into a world where people's beliefs and values are getting weirder and too open for our liking...and she was damn sweet lar...she wrote me a letter which made me feel very touched....thanx a lot gal...

okie...another ting is, i must say a big thank you to all moi frens out there...u all have stood by me thru my darkest hrs and i noe i would still be able to rely on you guys no matter how hard my world comes crashing down on me....i'm realli v v touched...

awz.. yesh went to club med bintan with darl, justin and albert....i thoroughly enjoyed the whole trip man...i was damn super reluctant to return back to singapore....onli drawback is i tink i put on a lot of weight during the trip...haha...we were practically stuffing my stomachs with food all the time...well, no one can blame us too wat rite...it was buffet breakfast, lunch n dinner...how not to eat sia!!! n it was the first time i saw albert so animated and lively...wahhaha...n i realised that he pays a lot of attention to small details and needs of a gal...so i tink he makes a good bf...haha...wellz, it was just a side pt...

okie..so we did kayaking, tennis, archery, badminton, beach soccer there...n lazed on the beach suntanning ourselves and just soaking ourselves in the sea...the feelin is damn wonderful...it's like i dun have to bother about anyting in the world, i wouldnt have to worry bout anyting at all...no more nightmares, no more insomnia....it's super stress free.....sighz..i miss bintan oredi....

after the trip, came back to singapore and spent a lot of time hanging out with darl, albert and justin...we watched a couple of movies, did some shopping, pampered ourselves with good food, ohhh and yar...i picked up lan-gaming....coz all of them play and so well, yesh, i started playing warcraft...n i tink i sux at it...kaoz...it's damn irritating when u have to wait for so damn long to respawn and the ting is, i always die so easily....hmph...

ohh...there's this nice chilling place that justin recommended to us...and i tink it's damn nice...it's called villa bali...situated near st andrews jc...open till 1am on weekdays and 2 pm on weekends...realli nice place to chill lar...but its quite difficult trying to differentiate the staff coz most of them are in white tops and berms and they look like customers to me...wellz...

okok...now back to blogging bout moi r/s stuff...people who noe me n wat's been going on in my life will always depict darl as the bad guy in the r/s and i feel that i have to put in a word of fairness for him...darl has always been very nice to me...and the last time that we broke up, after tinking bout it, i realised that mayb he is not to blame...i was very demanding, paranoid and unreasonable at times and gave darl a hard time coz of his previous mistakes..n that sorta affected tings between the two of us...there was always tension n the slightest ting would erupt into something that would grow out of proportions, which usually, is fuelled by me...so well, i have been trying to work on all these stuff now...

a lot of times, i always feel that i have no more to continue giving...but yet, when it comes to darl, the supply seems endless...for good or for worse, i duno...but one ting i noe is, i dun wan to let go of darl...without him, i realli am nothing...but then again, i will let go if i feel that he is happier without me...wellz...love is so complicating...

and in any r/s, in general, i feel that to be able to maintain a long-term relationship is not easy...the most difficult task is in maintaining the passion...when two people are together for too long, the passion sorta wears off...and that's when problems start...n i have to admit that moi r/s lacks a little of that...but well, moi n darl have decided to work on it....and i noe we would work it out...:)

okok...i'm still in blissful heaven with moi darl rite now..enjoying our time together..just wan him to be happy, happy, happy...love ya dar!!! muakz

soo mani tings...

2005-06-19T12:03:00.000+08:00

so many tings have happened in the past few daes...

on friday, mum called me at bout 5pm...told me to rush down to the hospital...so i rushed down...when i reached there, after the doctor talked to my mum, i was told that my grandma only has a few more hrs to live...so just make her as comfortable as possible...

I'm not exactly close to my grandma...coz i didn't live with her till a few years back when my grandfather passed away...n even when she moved in with us, i didn't bother to talk to her...n now i regret everyting...

last week when we sent her into hospital, she was oredi unconscious...during the week that she was in hospital, she was getting better..in fact, on friday, she was supposed to be discharged oredi...n i was told that she was so happy that she was finally able to go home...but tings took a turn for the worse...

during the week that she was there, i was so caught up with my own problems...n i didn't go down to visit her...i'm such a selfish person n i hate myself for it...i also have no ide a wat i'm doing...y isit when he is in my heart, i can dun care about anyting else? sighz...

n when i reached the hospital that dae, she was oredi unconscious n did not wake up before she passed away...i was the only one who didn't get to talk to her for the last time...n the worst, when she passed away, i wasn't there....i was at his place playing winning eleven...wat a bitch i am....i was planning to go back oredi...y did she have to pass on when i wasn't there...

aw..he was with me the whole time...came down to find me when he knew that i was gonna get attached soon to desmond...n i duno how i feel bout tings...i made him break up with candy that dae...isit the right ting to do? i feel so horrible inside..like i'm some evil third party that shattered another person's happiness in exchange for my own...

n the saddest ting is that, i could see that he was very sad...i can't seem to walk into his heart anymore n he is not as comfortable with me as he was in the past anymore...m i forcing him into something which he will regret in future?...it hurts to see him so sad...

i wanna be happy...but my happiness is tied to him like a dead knot that cannot be unravelled...if he's unhappy, i'm devastated....

despite so many so many tings, i m ready to start afresh n put all the unhappy past behind me...i'm ready to change for him...but is this wat he realli wants? m i the person for him?

i dun hav the answer...only he himself noes...n if he's realli unhappy being with me, i will realli let go and move on like wat i planned to do...

wellz...i duno...i'll try to take tings one step at a time...my life is a complete mess....n i duno where i'm heading....

My day at work...

2005-06-16T23:10:00.000+08:00

hmmz...todae got up n went to work...n there's loads to do lar...like can't finish one sia...mayb coz i didn't go work for damn long liao...sianz...

n now one of the lawyer's secretary resigning...n i'm gonna take over her duties for a few days before the new one comes...damn stressed sia...coz i noe shit bout legal stuff lar....n this lawyer is known for throwing everyting to the secretary to do...well...nvm, good experience for me..will get to learn new stuff....yeah!!!

had a 2 hr lunch break todae coz went lunch with the lawyer whom i'm supposed to work for soon...actually i'm oredi helping him do stuff...drove down all the way to tanah merah country club to eat at some chinese restaurant...hmmz..the food was not bad lar..esp the pork ribs...haha

ohh..n yar..dat lawyer drives a nissan cefiro 230 one...n i kinda quite like the car..inside quite spacious n nice leh...haha...next time i wanna drive that kinda car oso...

after work, went to teach tuition...then went to meet cornelius to catch up..he oso broke up with justina...hmmmz....talked for bout an hr plus..then v shagged....so desmond came to drive me home...haha...so nice...

just put down the fone with niki n gio...we had a call conference...enjoyed talking to them...n i miss everyone in their family....sighz...their mum, dad n their er-yi...

but wellz..:)....wat's over is over...mechilli is moving on...

yeah!!! sooo looking forward to gg out with niki n gio on mon...

just some thots...

2005-06-16T06:45:00.000+08:00

hmmm...i was just tinking when i woke up...

ur real dad didn't not want you...he wanted you but coz of u noe wat happened, that's why there was no more contact...

ur current dad now, he's so nice to you...n he realli cares for you...where do u tink u get all your expenses? who pays for golf lessons? who pays for everting else in ur life? it didn't come from your mum...it came from your dad....

ur mum loves you...it's just that she doesn't know how to express it out...can't u see how proud she is of you in front of her frens...mayb u can't feel it...but i can...it's so apparent...

u have people around u who want u...ur frens like justin, ming, cheryl, albert...all these are frens who truly care for you and would stand by you in face of trouble, that i'm sure...they're all very nice people...

n true, ur mum didn't like any gal that u brought home...including me....n now y does she prefer me? coz sincerity moves people...i waited for 5 full years before she finally accepted me....u tink it was an easy wait? No...it definitely wasn't...u duno how hurt i felt when she couldn't accept me...u duno how hard it was for me to not be able to go over to your place when i saw how xinku u were travelling back n forth my place...

u have gals around u, including me n of course candy, who are willing to give up so much for you...

n u say that no one wants u? i tink u have a much blessed life than a lot of other people...including me....u haven been through a lot of shit in your life....i have been through worse....other people have been through worse...

n u always say ur flirt character is inherited from your real dad...n surprisingly, that's wat ur mum told me yest too....but u noe wat i realli tink? it's just an excuse...dun blame ur real dad for ur character....n u didn't use to be lidat...u were so innocent...n this reminds me of the neoprint that we took 5 years back...the one where my hand came up and covered half of my face and u were smiling....it was your smile that i fell in love with coz it was so innocent and so from the heart....

well well....n if u are realli serious bout candy, treat her well...i have nothing against her coz as of right now, since last week, instead of being the victim, i have suddenly become the 3rd party in a relationship...i've done some tings that hurt ur r/s with her and for that, i sincerely apologise her...

your mum will slowly come to accept her...but she has to be patient lar...n i'm sure she can do it...coz she sounds like a nice gal from wat u tell me n i'm sure she's emotionally a much stronger person than me...

n if u are not serious bout her, u seriously have to sit down n tink of wat u realli wan...i'm not there to keep nagging you anymore bout how ur life should be, wat u shld do...is ur life going to be based on a series of a string of short relationships? life is short n love is wonderful...it would be a pity to not love n be loved sincerely in ur life....

n u to me...we are always still friends...i hate losing ktv khakis...there will neva be another time where i will do tings to break up the relationship between the both of you anymore...it sux being a 3rd party, nw i realli understand...

okok...shifting the topic back to myself...yest i asked desmond..."y do u like me?"

"Maybe it's coz of your smile...when u smile, it seems like nothing matters in the world."

n i tink to myself...how ironic...haha...it was also the lack of this smile that led to u not being happy during the past few months...

n i asked him back "just coz of tat?"

"No...being around you makes me feel very comfortable"

n i found that sentence v familiar...haha..it seems like every guy tell me the same ting...i tink i'm a guy lar...y do i not find gals who tell me that same ting?

then, i said "dun u mind that my heart has no place for u?"

"It's okie..use me as a substitute to forget him if u will...it's only when you have another person then u will slowly start to move on"

Honestly, I'm touched.

N i'm oso very touched that Matt came all the way down...

N i realised i'm glad I was able to do at least one ting in my life: I was able to leave an impression on people n in turn, that's why so many people care for me...n that includes my frens....

at the end of the day, wat matters in this world are things like sincerity, love and concern...no matter how corrupted the world becomes, all these are things that would still remain n touch the lives of people around...

got a lot of other stuff that i'm tinking of...but will stop here first...coz gotta go work liao...haha...

some thots...

2005-06-16T00:48:00.000+08:00

desmond came to find me just now...n i'm just back...we stayed in the car n chatted...

he asked me to seriously consider giving him a chance...

n i'm seriously considering it...i feel quite mean..i told him straight that right now, my heart belongs to zheshan...but he doesn't mind it...

since tings have turned out this way and zheshan no longer has any place in his heart for mechilli, yesh, mechilli is seriously considering...

wellz...shall not tink too much first...too mani tings have happened todae n i'm still in shock...

n aw...bao bei, thanx for playing badminton n coming down all the way to pei me...:)

Sori

2005-06-15T22:35:00.000+08:00

firstly, i'm sori for having told things to your mum that shouldn't have been said...i'm sori for making tings so bad...

i begged, i cried, i forgave...but in the end, after standing firm by you for 5 n a half years, in the end, the person who stood by you for one week won...n i lost..utterly defeated...

coz of you, i gave up everything else in my life...everyting that i hold to dearly...

i finally realise now...we are realli not meant to be...

letting go is so hard...but i will try...

the dae that i'm able to feel nothing for the ring that is still on my finger will be the dae i take it off n erase u completely from my mind...

the tings that u did to me, all the horrible stuff...are not things that a normal human would be able to take in one's stride...

i always believed in the innocence that you once had...but i tink you have realli changed...

good luck to the opening of the new chapter in your life...i'll cya for the club med trip...

in office

2005-06-15T09:05:00.000+08:00

bloggin in the office rite now...finally, after so many days, i'm back to work...

hmmz...this morning, asked my mum wat time the ferry is on friday...she said will have to reach there at bout 7 plus 8...

then she asked me, "Y, kelvin dun wan to go now?"

my reply, "erm..no lar...he's going lar"

"wat's wrong with the both of you?"

"erm..no more liao lor"

"Y no more? He got another galfren oredi?"

"erm..yar lor"

"Y u all take relationships so lightly one?"

I said, "it's not me okie" n i was getting pissed...

n she said, "you always lidat one lar...relationship after relationship...when are u gg to take your life seriously? you realli tink u v pretty meh? now so fat, old n ugly liao...no wonder kelvin got another gal now. lidat, next time u will end up as a spinster"

n me, i felt like slapping her...but i just kept quiet..n went upstairs to change...

well, wat she said makes some sense...

as for me, yar...i m not a person who's serious in relationships...one broken relationship won't kill me...at most just have other guys lor...the goal in the end is to just find someone and get married, ain't it?

there are a few for me to choose from now, isn't it? i just have to take my pick but y isit so difficult? hmmz...well, i'll just enjoy my singlehood now..sure feels good to be missed by other guys...

okok...gotta get back to work...:)

back from the doctor...

2005-06-14T20:38:00.000+08:00

yupz...back from doctor...n i was damn scared...had to go alone with my legs feeling like jelly n my body threatening to faint anytime...but well, nobody's there for me anymore so i have to do everyting myself...n i dun wan to let my family noe wat i'm going thru rite now...so i'm keeping mum about everyting...acting as if nothing is wrong with me...

got chided by the doctor...he said i'm dehydrated, have panic attacks (dat's y the breathing difficulty), my body lacks food, my blood pressure is getting lower and lower and if this continues, i'm going to have serious health complications and sink into the medical condition of depression...he also said that if this goes on and i faint in the streets or knock my head when i faint, the next time i will be in hospital and not in his clinic....well, like i care...

he gave me an injection...n it was darn blardy painful...the needle looked menacing to me...

he gave me some pills to make me relax...n some pills for giddiness n vitamin pills...dun understand y he doesn't give me sleeping pills...i desperately nid them...it's no joke lying in bed for 6 to 7 hrs before falling asleep...

i'm sori darl...it seems that coz of me, now have to accommodate me n go to club med as planned...i hate myself for having to make u feel unhappy n cornered...sighz...i realli feel like living is the worst ting in my life rite now...mayb i shldn't have picked up meizhen's call on saturday and just sleep and let the panadol take its effect...then prob when i'm watching over you from above, it wouldn't seem as bad as wat i'm going through now...

why am i so useless...i miss him soo much....

wat's happening...

2005-06-14T18:04:00.000+08:00

i'm scared...shit scared...

wat's happening to my body? my head physically hurts, i cant breathe properly n i have to gasp for breath n whenever i get up, my vision blurs n i feel like i'm super stressed...

is my body giving up on me so fast oredi? i'm soo scared

nothing to do...

2005-06-14T16:17:00.000+08:00

okok..here i am blogging again...haha...i got nothing to do at home lar...

was supposed to mayb meet darl for lunch or something...n he was supposed to call me when he wakes up...but he woke up at 2pm n i din get any calls from him...well, he could have told me straight that he didn't want to meet isn't it?

just read darl's blog...n just read thru all his archives since he started blogging last september...it was like reading thru all the promises that he gave me in the past and all the times when it was apparent thru his blog entries that he couldn't feel much for me...

i'm tired oredi...n the club med ting is not resolved yet...i feel so paiseh towards justin...sighz...now depends on darl liao lor...if darl is not gg, then there are two options: either i go with justin or if darl is gg to pay for justin's share too, then all of us are not gg...

i miss playing winning eleven...i remember i used to detest that game..whenever i see darl playing it, i'd b like "so nice to play meh...so boring...always play the same game"....

but kenna trained by darl to play the game n it's fun, realli...but damn sian...i always keep losing to him one..but i if i win him, his whole face oso turn black..hmmz...tricky situations....

my head now feels like it's bursting..there are just too many tings in my mind...too many memories which i wish that i can just throw out of my system...

at the end of the dae, i m still the one who is the last on darl's list that he will tink for...everyone in the whole world must be accommodated for coz he wans to please everyone...n i'm always the last in queue...

i'm quite discouraged oredi, as the days passes and as i tink of all the empty promises that he gave me and as his relationship with candy continues to grow, the strength to hold on n fight for wat i wan is zapping out of me...

just another sleepless nite...

2005-06-14T08:29:00.000+08:00

been blogging a lot quite lately coz everyting is pent up inside me n i have to find an outlet to release it...

din go to work todae again...partly coz of rashes n partly coz at 6am i was still awake...

after blogging last nite after i reached home, i lay in bed...tossed n turned n tossed n turned...couldn't get to sleep at all...

now, duno whether darl can go club med not...it's not possible for him to not go at this point in time...n he can't go now coz apparently i msged him at the wrong time...when candy was around...n candy offered to pay for the 50% penalty...

however, now the stakes are different liaoz...if he doesn't go now, he has to pay full amount...on top of that, he has to find a way to explain to moi parents coz they were the one who booked the ting for us... n if he's not gg, i wun b gg coz it will be weird to hang out with my sis's fren n then i have to pay the full amount for nothing....

called darl n talked to him for a while...listening to him tell me about candy, my heart just got heavier and heavier...but i was smiling...tho every little ting he told me bout candy pierced thru my heart like a sharp knife, i could hear that he reali cares bout her...tho there are some tings that he may not find himself compatible with her, i'm sure darl is willing to give it a try to make things work out for them...coz of something that he told me : of course there are times when i am very happy with her...

darl told me that candy told him not to leave her...he said she appears to be a strong person but inside she's not...n dat set me wondering? m i a strong person? i dun tink so...if not the sat fiasco bout the panadol taking frenzy would not have taken place...

candy's bdae is coming soon...very soon in fact...it's this thursday...n memories of my bdaes for the past 5 years came to me....i wonder wat he will get for candy? n i wonder wat he would do for her...it just seems yesterday when i was happily baking darl's bdae cake on a sunday before moi exam...

it's exactly one week since i broke up with darl...n it's oso exactly one week since darl has been together with candy...y does it seem such a long time?

darl told me actually he realised that the spark has gone out of our relationship for quite some time and that's coz we never do tings together like a normal couple would..like spending time together going out, chatting on the fone etc...n it's true...everytime we were out, we were always out with a group of frenz...

i asked him yest..."have you ever thought of me these few days?"

his reply, "got lar..like sometimes when i go out, will tink of the tings we done together...u dun tink so much lar...when i'm outta with my frens i oso dun tink of u..."

then y isit, every min n every day, darl is always on my mind? isit coz i'm too much of a pessimistic person n coz of that, i m holding on to the past so much? trust me, i would realli love to let go...to let go of this person that i love...but if u love a person, how do u forget the person?

i asked darl..."judging from wat u wrote from ur blog, i get the impression that you just want to have your fun first...but in the end, ultimately, u will still end up with me. was that wat u meant?"

n darl nonchalantly (a word that he likes) replied, "i guess so ba...but u move on lor...u move on liao then i will not get u back oredi"...

i would realli wanna wait for darl...n somehow, i tink right now, i'm oredi in the waiting phase...but, darl, wat u dun realise is that by starting a new relationship, u are beginning another tong hua of your own...one that might stretch up to years n one that may end up in u getting married to her...n me? i'll still be in the tong hua that you promised me, the forever love that you dedicated to me so many times in the ktv n was irritated that i wasn't giving you enuff attention...but u noe wat, my darl, every song that you sang remains etched in my mind...n when u were doing silly actions, i was realli smiling to myself n loved u more with every passing minute...n the reason i reacted how i reacted was just coz i realli duno how to react..i'm not a person who's blessed with a tirade of expressions...but i was listening all the time n watching you all the time...

u told me yest...when u were at ktv with candy, u told yourself that the dae you are able to reach the last part of the song MELODY, will be the day you realli leave me...that day might come or it might neva come for you...in terms of your voice...but i'm pretty sure that before that, you would have realli left me oredi...

last nite's conversation with you left me with many afterthoughts...our conversation was comfortable, it was like talking to someone i knew my whole life with the knowledge that no matter how tings turn out, me n u would still be as comfortable with each other...but it also left me v sad...i felt that you were getting further n further away from me...

darl's memory is v bad...wat if one day, he forgets me? forgets our tong hua? forgets all the tings we have done together? then how? damn!!! y must i have such a good memory...i can even remember dates lar...like when we did wat etc etc...

aw i slept at bout 6 this morning...woke up at 730 coz i had a veri veri bad dream...n of course, it's bout darl n candy again...nw the gal has a name in moi dreams...no wonder people say that dreams are a reflection of what is on one's mind in the dae be it consciously or subconsciously...ohh n justin was in it too...tink i just miss the ktv sessions that the 3 of us used to have together...it was good, realli good..

i'm feeling dizzy now...prob from lack of sleep n food...but try as i might, i realli can't sleep...mayb i shld go to the doctor to get some strong sleeping pills...if this goes on, i'd probably faint again outside somewhere someday...n my frens may not be there like the last time to hold on to me...

was tinking...i tink i will try to find ways to see if whether there is a possibility of doing exchange overseas...or mayb i will just go to australia and stay there for a month or two...will being so far away from darl help? i realli doubt so...but well, it would give him the time n space to realli work on his relationship without me in the way...n maybe, when i return, darl would be happy with candy n i would have come to accept the fact that my fate with darl is till here...n i would genuinely smile once again coz i noe darl is happy...

aw..another side pt...yeah!!! tink will b meeting up with niki n gio next monday...niki's going to ask gio..not sure whether her parents will let her go out not leh..but it would have to b after her golf lesson lar...which, according to moi past observations, shld end at bout 6 plus 7..when keefe n darl has finished "competing" with each other....well well...that's definitely one ting to look forward to...coz i miss gio n i haven met niki...

n i miss moi other frens too...people like cheryl, ming, albert, justin...people i've gotten so used to seeing...but will not see anymore coz now candy has taken over moi place too...well well...that's just how the world goes round....sighz...

just another day...

2005-06-14T00:23:00.000+08:00

didn't go to work todae coz woke up with rashes on moi body and i was feeling a little "hot" on the forehead...so decided to rest at home...

who noes, received a call from cheng's hp like 3 times at like 8 plus or 9 plus in the morning...damn man!!! okie..so aw...todae, the usual gang of us, which comprised of shyan, cheng, long n callie all din work...haha....so in the end, all of them pulled me out lar...which is also good..if not i would go crazy being alone at home too...

sooo, long came to pick me up at bout 11 plus...finally, he noes how to make his own way to moi place...then we went down to jurong...to shyan's place first...slacked there for a while...n that was when i blogged my afternoon entry...tears just kept streaming down my face...i hate this man..i tink like all my frens are sick of seeing me cry oso...coz it has become an almost daily routine...

after that, went to ktv again!!! n 3 other people joined us...meizhen, eve n matthew....sang from 3pm to 7pm....n of course, i cried again during ktv...after so many days, y is the pain not subsiding? instead of getting better, it is getting worse everydae....it's suffocating me...

matthew was very nice bout it...offered me his shoulder..haha...he's realli a nice guy lar...one of the few guys where i noe i could realli trust n that he believes in the good in me n would neva leave me....

i kinda regret wat i gave up for darl...i rem at that time, he kept pressing me to break with matt...n pressured me thru wanting to do harm to himself...n bein the soft hearted person that i am, of course i can't be like darl n dun give a fark bout him...he tested moi limit by trying something farnie with moi bestest fren...n i went back to him...

so many ifs...if i didn't relent at that time, i would most probably not see this ugly side of him now...n i would also not feel so abandoned and unloved rite now...n i would noe how wonderful it is to be realli loved by another person...

i tink matt is like my guardian angel...haha...coz of him, i started to see wat a horrible person i was in the past n started to see how a relationship shld b like...n even up till now, he still prays for me every nite...even tho i let him down...

but well...regretting is not an option now..i moved on at that time...n darl became moi whole life..i dedicated everyting that i did to him..with him at the center of moi life...n now, my world is shattered...

aw...after ktv, drove down to alexandra coz shyan sent his bike for repairs...after collecting his bike, we went to lot 1 for dinner, coz we sent matt home...callie said: he's a good guy. n he very teng u. haha..yup yup...i agree with both sentences...i noe i will always be his bao bei no matter wat happens...

after dinner, went to play pool...n u noe wat??? i'm finally improving at pool...well, heck darl lar...if i ever have a chance to play with darl again, i'll make sure he gets angry (coz if he gets angry means he loses)....sighz...okok...everyting is darl again...

sat on shyan's bike on the way back to jurong...coz i miss darl...i miss the feeling of sitting on his bike n when i tink of how i have to share my helmet n my darl with candy (darl's new gf), my heart becomes so painful that tears always auto appear....

got a lot of msgs todae...so weird..it's like suddenly i'm single and like a lot of guys whom i haven seen in a long time are contacting me again..good or bad i duno...i onli noe that well, one can neva get enough attention..haha...but all of this attention added up does not even equate to half of wat darl's attention means to me...

darl has finally started blogging bout candy...rite now, i oso can't make out wat i realli feel..i tink coz my heart is already so pain n so hurt that it can't get much worse...but i figure i would have nitemares for nites to come...

n darl..yar u're selfish...wat i mean to u now is just a spare tyre...if tings dun work out for u n candy, u will come back to me...u noe how much that hurtz? n how much more it hurtz when u'd rather let me die than to leave candy, who has been with you for like a few days? how much trials n tribulations have we both endured during the past years seems so insignificant now...

i duno...everyting is so painful now...n darl, u lied...the pain is not subsiding...in fact, with each additional dae that you are with another gal, the pain multiplies n one dae, i tink i will just go crazy...

i oso duno wat i wan...i noe i want u in my life..but y treat me like dat? i'm amazed at myself that even now, i still feel that i have room in my heart to forgive u..but y are u taking advantage of this patience of mine? or mayb u're just forcing me to give u up..arghz..okie...i'm kinda out of point now..i duno wat i'm saying...

everyting just seems so lost n blurred n meaningless...

but aw...another side pt, glad u have the chance to watch the vampire vcd..i'm realli sori that i was not able to provide u with wat u want...n i'm realli sori that i'm not the lively gal that u like n have found it in candy...

another day...

2005-06-13T12:50:00.000+08:00

if onli sleep comes easily to me nowadaes....n even during the onli time when i'm free from tinking, i wake up sweating n trembling n in tears from nightmare after nightmare...n it's all bout darl...different situations in each but all the same meaning..he's with her....

sometimes i wonder to myself y i'm so useless and so without determination...when will the pain ever stop...when will tings b betta for me again...n y do tears flow so freely to me now when i used to have so much pride and refuse to cry in front of other people....

moi msgs with him todae....

darl: wat was e last sms u sent me yest? can send again?

mechilli: Update bout? How nice ur gf is n hw happy u all r? can spare me at kinda torture nt ar?

darl: wat is py? hmmz...i m ok. nt v happy. nt v compat. she does sales. knows how 2 talk v well. nt v accomodatin. u r getting attached rite?

mechilli: nt yet. i can't bring myself to b ike u. bt since we will neva b, i will try to open up. n gd she noe how to tok. v pei wif u

darl: hmmmz.. when u r attached, do let me know. hope we r meant to b nxt life. :)

mechilli: i dun wan

darl: u dun wan? then nxt nxt life? haha

mechilli: i dun wan. even up til nw, one word frm u i will forgive

darl: :) i know your love is already limitless le. tt i m happy enuff.

mechilli: u r happy. bt nt me.

darl: u will b lar. theres tis guy who treats u well n drives.

mechilli: i dun like him. being w him made me realise i dun wan anyone bt u...

n it stopped at that..no more msging...

n i wonder to myself? wat is fate? is fate the the ting that brings people together? i blif in that...but wat i do not blif is that fate is the ting that makes people stay together. how can darl just turn around n tell me we r not meant to b.

i'm so tired...realli v tired...

Sunday...

2005-06-12T22:30:00.000+08:00

just reached home...had quite a busy day todae...haha..keeps my mind off things...n i have desmond to thank for that...

he came to pick me up at around 2 plus...pei him go eat first at hougang green then he drove me home first..coz he had to go back to change...so i waited for bout 20 mins (he lives super near to me) n he came to pick me up and we headed to hougang kbox...

sang till my voice wan to crack liao sia....n i sang much more than desmond, coz he always forgot to insert his songs..haha...i tink if it's darl (sori, just so used to it, he's still my darl in my heart), he sure dun let me play cheat one..altho in the end, i oso get my way by singing half songs lar...

so many songs, so many memories...darl acting silly, darl dancing n singing at the same time, the way darl sings, the songs like tong hua, ge qian, wei yi, ai de jiu shi ni...so mani tings remind me of him....wellz...they are just part of my memories now, a set of very beautiful memories...a part of me that i will never let go...

played pool after that...n remembered the times when i always play pool with darl...coz in the end we always quarrel coz i feel stressed when i play with him, he will get damn impatient with me damn easily n poor me, who is an idiot at pool, always kenna...the same situation always arises during badminton oso..damn!!! haha...

after that, went to bedok coz desmond had to pass something to his aunt...waited downstairs for him n then we walked over to 85 to eat dinner...n it oso reminded me of darl...we got super lost the first time we tried to find our way there...that time, it was still on his scrambler...n we ended up in tampines...dumb dumb us...haha...

aw..back to something else..received a msg from darl tis morning which went sthg like "dude, tink i'm realli not compatible with this gal. mich is still the best. but i can't take her back. it's too unfair" n of course, it was supposed to be sent wrongly...

hmm..i'm very curious as to how anyone else would react in such a situation...n my heart, being the stupid n useless one that it is, ached a lot...but i tink after last nite, i'm oso more calm oredi...i can tink thru tings ba i guess...

honestly, if darl wans me back, i would run right back into his arms...stupid me but he's my darl...but then again, m i just a substitute till he finds the right gal for him? the fact that he's still with his new gf transmits loud signals like "harlow mich, get a life...it's just a relationship...something worthless n it has ended"...

well...but i tink i misread darl's signals again..the msg meant nothing...prob he was feeling too bored or mayb sex wasn't as optimal for him last nite with his gal? i duno...all i noe is tat, darl has no place in his heart for me anymore...i oredi am into his list of memories labelled past gfs...

desmond said something just now...he said i smile a lot...n the first ting that came to my mind was why didn't i smile enuff for my darl...y did i have to be so defensive bout getting hurt again in front of darl...but then again, that's no reason to suddenly start another relationship so readily with some other gal...n not enuff reason to just write off the value of a 5 n a half year relationship...

darl's out now, most prob with his gf...n coz of his msg this morning, i msged him to ask him for the last time whether he's realli okie with me moving on...coz if he changes his mind soon, we can still continue writing our fairy tale...n i rem wat meizhen told me bout a line in a storybook...it says "wo men zhi jian chu le yuan liang, hai shi yuan liang" n i tink that applies to me n darl ba...at least from me to him...

ohh and aw...darl's reply was "pls move on"...hmm...okie...another reason i wanted to ask him this question was coz i am contemplating whether to open myself up to any other possibilities...but then again, my heart can't feel for anyone rite now...

desmond told me to listen to the song "let me love you" by Mario...will attach the lyrics at the end of this blog entry and the meaning is quite clear...but isit fair to anyone? i can't feel anyting for him now coz my heart belongs to darl...but it does seem nice to feel loved for once..so mayb i shld not clam up..mayb i shld just open up a little n see how tings goes...n since darl has made it so clear to me that he will not want me anymore, mayb i shld...

but y isit that somehow, somewhere deep down in my heart, there is a feeling that is nagging me, telling me that me n darl are meant to be..we will b together again someday...

arghz...okie..i shouldn't be such a fool...yesh, friends of mechilli: sori lar...i cannot control my heart...call me stupid if u will but i can't control it...i tink someone shld just put a stronger brain into me n make me listen to my head more than my heart...

these few daes i realli tink i duno who darl is...mayb the person i loved was not his real self? or is he not his real self now? it's so damn blardy confusing...but like i said, i m more calm now...i dun get hysterical or suicidal now tinking of him...

awz...i tink i'll just go on and on if i keep on blogging...haha....how does one summarize 5 n a half years into one simple blog entry....impossible...so to those who are reading this, bear with my blog entries for now and for some time to come...it would probably be like that of taking a roller coaster ride...haha...

okok..here's the lyrics of the songs "let me love you" by Mario...n u noe wat? i feel loved tho it is not reciprocated...ohh n sori bout the layout of the lyrics...lazy lar...hee...

Verse 1:
Baby I just don't get it Do you enjoy being hurt? I know you smelled the perfume the make-up on his shirt You don't believe his stories You know that they're all lies Bad as you are you stick around and I just don't know why

If I was yo man (baby you) Never worry bout (what I do) I'll be coming home (back to you) Every night doin' you right You're the type of woman (deserves good thangs) Wish for the diamonds (I have the ring) Baby you're a star ( I just want to show you, you are)

Chorus:
You should let me love you Let me be the one to give you everything you want and need Baby good love and protection Make me your selection Show you the way love's supposed to be Baby you should let me love you, love you, love you

Verse 2:
Listen Your true beauty's description looks so good that it hurts You're a dime plus ninety - nine and it's a shame don't even know what you're worth Everywhere you go they stop and stare Cause you're bad and it shows from your head to your toes Out of control baby you know
If I was yo man (baby you) Never worry bout (what I do) I'll be coming home (back to you) Every night doin' you right You're the type of woman (deserves good thangs) Wish for the diamonds (I have the ring) Baby you're a star ( I just want to show you, you are)

Chorus:
You should let me love you Let me be the one to give you everything you want and need Baby good love and protection Make me your selection Show you the way love's supposed to be Baby you should let me love you, love you, love you

Bridge:
You deserve better girl (you know you deserve better) We should be together girl (baby) With me and you it's whatever girl So can we make this thing ours?

Chorus:
You should let me love you Let me be the one to give you everything you want and need Baby good love and protection Make me your selection Show you the way love's supposed to be Baby you should let me love you, love you, love you
repeat til it ends (about 3 times)
Mario talks: Let me love you that's all you need baby

Mechilli has changed her mind bout blogging...

2005-06-12T11:20:00.000+08:00

yesh...as the title puts it...Mechilli has decided not to give up blogging...:)

aw...the past few days have been hell for me....i'm outta a relationship n was unable to accept it...it still hurtz like hell...but i guess i'm ready to let go...

went to O bar on friday nite..the place is okie lar...but then it was so packed...i just went up to dbl O's locker to put my bags and when i went out to requeue for entry into Obar, the queue was damn blardy long coz it was full house oredi...so didn't go in again in the end...

N whilst we were in the queue, there was this angmoh in front of us n we started having a conversation...he's a weird guy man...haha...even told us like his gf is in hongkong n has called him a few times but he hasn't returned her calls...n he apparently hates singapore....my oh my...telling that to us...wat he expect us to say sia??? farnie guy...aw we left the queue n i waited for shyan to pick me up....

went to jurong to la kopi with the usual people...m happy to see that long is happy with jolin...after coffee, we drove down to jurong hill...brings back childhood memories...there was a tower there and i remembered i have been there for an excursion before when i was young, like prob in primary school...we used to race up the tower then...damn farnie...n being the stupid naive person that i am, when long said "the slowest is a pig", i realli quickened my pace...n callie said "whoeva listens to long n walks the fastest is the most stupid person"...diao....

on saturday, was at home the whole day...n i was feeling very depressed...for obvious reasons....n i duno wat came over me, but i guess i realli lost the will to keep on living at that time...took lotsa panadol...n stopped when i got scolded by kelvin...but by that time, it was oredi in my stomach...so dat's it...

met desmond after that, original plan was to go to a ktv pub....but i was beginning to feel realli unwell...got him to drop me off at central mall and then donghai n meizhen came to pick me up...they kept forcing me to go to the doctor but i refused....in the end, they gave me another option...if i agree to eat a little bit (coz i haven realli been eating since tues) n vomit it all out, they would not bring me to the doctor...

So, i bo bian lor...we went to a prata place somewhere near their place...farnie how food tasts so different now...i onli had a kosong and i onli had like 1/4 of it and i couldn't eat anymore...but wellz, at least i ate something....when i tink back nw, i duno y i like prata so much...haha...i tink i'm over prata now....

after that, came home n vomitted like hell....i guess most of the panadol came out le ba coz i feel better now....

it's so earli in the morning now..dou shi shyan de cuo....woke me up with his call at like 9 plus in the morning...doesn't he noe how difficult it is for me to even sleep properly these days....sianz...n yar, so now, i am awake and can't get to sleep again...

kelvin din go home last nite...gio told me...so i guess he's over at his new gf's place now...after last nite, i am finally clear as to wat i shld do....my heart hurtz like hell...it hurts coz it was ready to give up everyting for zheshan....but i finally realize that yar, zheshan has realli moved on...instead of hanging on to him n making him feel worse, i realli shld just give him my blessings...there are so many tings that i wish i could do for him...especially pushing him in his studies and making sure he doesn't get kicked out of sch coz it would ruin his future...but then, i'm sure that his new gf would be able to do it in my place...he needs someone who is not like me, someone who is not so montonous n boring n would be able to keep him entertained...n so for this, i realli wish that he will continue to live a blessed life coz indeed, his life is blessed, it's just that he doesn't realise it...

things will neva be the same for me again...i may take years to get over this relationship but i noe that zheshan will always be in my heart for my whole life...i oso realised that he realli doesn't love me...a fact that is so hard for me to face but i have to admit that after last nite, when he didnt even bother whether i was alright altho he knew i was feeling weird from the panadols oredi, there is no place in his heart for me anymore..it's like he just took an eraser and just erased the past 5 n a half years away from his heart....

okie...awz...another side point...desmond is a nice guy...he has been very nice to me the past few days n even offered to chauffeur me after work if i want....but back to reality, tho he's nice, there will neva be another guy in my life, not so soon again...mayb a few years down the road, when i tink back on zheshan n my heart doesnt feel so pain n my breathing doesn't become so labored, i will consider making space for another person in my heart....

n since desmond is a nice guy, i shouldn't b so mean...it's onli when a person goes thru the feeling of being dumped then one will realise how bad it can be....everyone's feelings count for something and are vulnerable...n though i'm tempted to return to my old ways and become the person i was before zheshan became my life, i have decided that i dun wan to be such a mean person....i'm not liddat n i dun wan to be liddat...coz it is only a front for me to protect my own feelings....

n after having met zheshan, i oso have come to discover myself...i have been making mistakes all my life, being someone that i not realli am...i'm just a simple gal who wants simple tings in life, that i realised...n i will continue to be this simple gal...tho this gal is going to have to have a lot of determination to get thru what she's gg thru now, she noes that she ultimately will be able to do it...she had something so beautiful before...n coz of this, she noes that if she doesn't have another relationship that is so innocent again, she once loved so much before....

aw...sighz..i tink my family got a lot of problems now sia...my grandma is in hospital..n now my cousin has gotten into some trouble and my auntie is having some heart n breathing problems now...guess have to make another trip to the hospital again...tink i'm like in n out of hospital these days....

awz...okie..gtg..m looking forward to club med tho it will be with kelvin n justin....i lurve that place..i'll just go there to chill....hee....

some last thots...

2005-06-11T15:25:00.000+08:00

even after everyting that he has done to mechilli, mechilli still loves zheshan...n she still believes in the foreva that zheshan promised her..it will always b in her heart even though zheshan does not belong to mechilli anymore...

mechilli will oso b a memory now...someone who existed and realli lived when zheshan was with her...the onli times where mechilli realli smiled in fotos...right now, that mechilli is lost, maybe forever, no one noes...

the fairy tale has ended...not with a happy ending...but in mechilli's heart, it is always a happy ending coz just as long as zheshan is happy, mechilli will always be...

last blog...

2005-06-09T18:02:00.000+08:00

Mechilli will not be blogging any longer...

...

2005-05-25T01:07:00.000+08:00

hmmz..since i'm awake now, i decided to blog instead of doing it one shot during the weekends...hee

awz...sunday, badminton was on after all...however, we could onli get a court for like one hour...since there were 5 of us, we booked 2 courts...expensive sia...it set us back about $14.80 coz it was under the peak period...

before that, me n darl went to yishun to eat laksa...the laksa there is damn nice and we onli go there like once in a blue moon when we feel like travelling down...but i regretted having laksa...coz after that when we went to play badminton, my stomach was churning like mad after playing for a while n i felt like puking...so din realli play much lar...

after badminton, went to the nearby market to have dinner...n all of us decided to go to darl's hse to bathe and then head down to orchard for dessert...however, when we reached there, we decided to go somewhere else coz it was sooo expensive...who'd pay 10 bucks for a bowl of dessert sia! i might if i'm feeling rich lar...

so we decided to go down to geylang...ming parked the car rite at the beginning of geylang...to be exact..it was like just somewhere near paya lebar mrt station n we walked down in search of food....it was a looong walk man!!! nevertheless, it was quite worth it coz we discovered a nice place to eat....

it's this restaurant called "shou la shou" which, directly translated, is "hand in hand" restaurant...haha...it's opened by a bunch of china chinese and serves noodles with small snacks like xiao long bao, dumplings and wat nortx....

the noodles are nice lar...n it cost us like 4 bucks!!! soo cheap....n the xiao long bao n all are also nice..n not expensive too...each of us paid like less than 10 bucks...n the people there were very nice...n on top of that, there is no service charge...hee...

okie...after that, was getting tired liaoz....so headed for home and concussed soon after that...haha...

woke up at 12pm on monday...then darl came to pick me up at 3 plus...went back to fetch gio and keefe for golf lessons...however, coz the car's window got problem (couldn't be wounded up), i offered to stay in the car whilst they have their golf lessons...it was a loooong wait...bout one and a half hours or slightly more i tink...entertained myself thru reading 2 magazines...but it was getting quite hot in the car...so once in a while, got out of the car to get some fresh air...

after they were done with golf, we headed to darl's grandma place for dinner...wow...the curry that their er yi cooked was damn shiok sia!!! it was spicy n nice n all but gio couldn't take it...haha...she kept downing water with every mouth she took...haha..damn cute...nearing the end, she finally gave up n stopped eating...haha....

after dinner, went down to lot 1 coz gio wanted to buy some stuff...n in the end, i bought a yoghurt icecream...sighz..the long weekend has all been about eating, eating and more eating...i'm like so guilty lar..it's like 2 weeks of hard work of abstaining from oily food n eating too much all went down the drain in a span of like 3 days!! sighz...nw i have to start all over again....

sent gio home after that...me, darl and keefe then went to play pool at mambo billiards...n as usual, of course i lost all the games AGAIN!!! i tink i absolutely sux at pool...i betta go secret training soon sia...went home after that coz had to work the next day...

sooo, today, went to work in daze coz i was soo tired...n i oso felt lousy coz like damn blardy fat now...work was the usual...after that, darl came to pick me up (a v sweet gesture) n we went suppermarket shopping...hmmmz..n i failed to stop him from reaching out and taking all the rubbish food like chocolate biscuits, nuts and wateva...sighz...nvm lar...i tink he loves his rollies too much...(rollies = roll of fat that lingers on one's waist...a term that i ripped off from this month's SHAPE magazine)...haha

so in the end, we had beef rendang and deep fried potato puffs for dinner..sighz..another sinful indulgence once again...i din eat rice though...nt that it helps a lot but well, makes me feel betta...haha....i'm getting betta at lying to moiself...

n after dinner, darl fell asleep like almost immediately...when i woke him up, he told me to let him sleep for a while more...n since i had nothing to do, i decided to take a short nap too...n we didn't wake up till 12..sighz...coz his mum came home n he had to drive the blue car out to let her park inside the hse...

so here i am now at home, blogging n drinking my dreamtime tea which is made up of camomile, lemon and passionfruit i tink...supposed to aid me in getting to sleep...sianz..tink of working tom onli damn sianz...n the worst ting...i am gonna miss the Champions league...sighz...

okok...i'm gonna zzzzz oredi..if not, i'm gonna feel like shit tom morn...

2nd week of work...

2005-05-22T03:12:00.000+08:00

i tink moi blogging will onli be done like once every week during these holz coz i dun even touch moi lappie during the weekdaes after work....hee

awz...work is the usual lar...waking up at 6 every morning...the onli major complaint i have is the office is darn fiaking cold sia...n i'm oredi wearing a damn thick jacket...but then again, my tolerance level for cold weather is damn low....

monday, met darl after work and he came to moi place to just laze around with me n have dinner...n i slept quite earli...n he waited til i slept before he left...hmmz..v sweet...it's all these little things that count and not buying expensive stuff for me...

tuesday, met shyan, long, callie n her fren poh lin (who is a guy) for ktv at tanjong pagar...that poh lin guy sounds like guang liang...not bad...n pretty close to callie too...hee...mayb shyan will get to celebrate fathers' day this year after all...haha...

wednesday, i was sooo darn shagged that i went home straight after work and concussed at like 9 plus in the nite...and the next dae i woke up with a swollen upper lip...i think it's kinda like a "thursday" phenomenon...i've noticed a trend and it's always on a thursday....y y y...weird!!! and i even slept so earli so i dun understand y i still get it...

after work that dae, went to ktv for the second time this week with darl...onli the both of us...:)...we went to kbox at hougang plaza...there were some songs that are available in party world that is not available there so i din get to sing them lar...tsk tsk tsk...but then, the karaoke version for BenC's "wang bu liao" is FINALLY out in kbox...i sang it like 3 times....the first time was the normal pitch...the 2nd time, i tried to up 2 keys...the 3rd time, i upped 3 keys...and the conclusion is to up by 3 keys...cozz the others were damn low...i absolutely love that song man...hee...damn nice!!!

then on fri, me n ling packed up earli after work and rushed back home...coz the 7pm ah wang show last episode liaoz..n i managed to reach home at 655...hahahahah....i walked home damn fast man!!! but the ending sux big time man!!! felt so cheated...

after that, me n darl went to meet justin for sighz...yesh..ktv again...haha...moi third time this week....we sang till 1am then went to someplace to discuss our taipei trip...turns out that as of now, justin has no idea when his internship is going to start so we decided to wait n see...if taipei is too expensive then, then we will settle for somewhere cheaper like bangkok...personally, i dun mind anywhere, just as long as it's not like malaysia or indonesia...hee....

slept till 12 on sat...darl stayed over and he woke up earli in the morn to settle his bike stuff...he sold off his vintage vespa and then came over to moi place...n he lied to me...sobz....he din tell me he had already gotten his new bike....it wasn't until i kinda spotted an unfamiliar black GT vespa in the bike lot that i asked him....n he smile smile...chey....

hmmmz...the vespa is quite cool...read darl's blog for more details....but personally, i tink it's not bad...n since it's black, it's also more masculine as compared to his previous bike...

in the nite, went back to darl's place to watch soccer with the rest of the guyz...arsenal vs man united...sighz..arsenal won and they absolutely do not deserve to win sia...man u played much much better..in fact, i tink they played quite well...but then they were quite suay oso lar...

after soccer, me n darl were feeling a little hungry...we were contemplating whether to eat and we finally gave in in the end...sighz...i have been trying to abstain from eating after 8pm...but once in a while is okie ba...or mayb i'm just trying to make myself feel not so guilty...aiyah..heck lar....oh yar..aw we went jalan kayu and i had one egg onion, one kosong and a teh-o kosong...

just got back and blogging rite now..darl is on the fone with justin now...hmmz..duno whether badminton is on or not tom...

ohh..and aw...just a side pt...darl n justin are worse than women in the gossip department...haha...oopz....

first week of work...

2005-05-15T16:17:00.000+08:00

okok...crystal..stop scolding me...i will try to update moi blog on a more regular basis...hee...after work damn tired lar....bo bian...

okie..started work this week at this law firm that ling ling is working at...n yar..she just likes to keep on going on that she's the boss n i'm the subordinate...haha...okie lor...she happi can liaoz...

work is okie...it's kinda brainless...all i have to do is to close the legal files for the lawyers...but always kenna cut by the files n papers..damn suay lar..n the whole office is so darn big but empty..there are onli like 6 of us...n i have to walk to the back of the office to the rooms where the files are kept...and that area is soooo dark...n ling ling just has to make it worse by telling me that she hears noises from there n stuff...wellz...i'll just pull her along when i nid to retrieve anyting from there...

the law firm is located in cecil street and since it's the business district, everywhere we go we keep seeing familiar faces from SMU...everyone's trying to clear their internship requirement this summers...n my sister is also working at another law firm which is located in the building next to mine....

on tuesday, went to ktv with darl and justin...went to the one at shenton way since moi workplace is like darn super near...had dinner at lau pa sat...which is like one small road across from moi office building...the ktv session wasn't one of the best lar..all of us wasn't in top form that dae and the sound system was damn weird...but nevertheless, singing is always therapeutic...

after that, went home to have a few games of winning eleven with darl...chelsea is damn fast lar...but damn sian, i lost all the games to him...AGAIN!!! but wellz, if i start winning, he will oso get pissed..haha...so nvm lar....

wednesday went to meet my sec sch clique to celebrate dong hai's bdae...erm..actually it is the second celebration for him...haha...we celebrated oredi last sat..but well, since all of them wanted to go out so we went lar...

went down to the coffee club outside california fitness...i persuaded them to eat the rosemary chicken which tasted fantabulous the last time i tasted it..but somehow, that dae, it wasn't realli up to standard...n i got "scolded" by them...sighz....meizhen n yin then left to club...to different destinations lar...n yin kept persuading me to go down with her to mdm wong...but i firmly refused...haha...i absolutely detest that place lar....but i tink she's starting to get real pissed with me coz i've rejected her so many many times when she kept asking me to go clubbing...

me, yiping and dong hai then drove around aimlessly for a looong time coz we didn't noe where to go...n in the end, we ended up at the 24 hr kopitiam in macpherson...ate somemore stuff...AGAIN....i just had fruit juice lar...watching moi diet now...i can't stand moi fats anymore...by the time i reached home, it was 2am...was so darn fiaking tired...fell asleep almost immediately when my head touched the bed...

the next dae, at 10 plus in the nite, yin told me to go out again...cannot take it sia...they like no nid to sleep one....n i firmly told them forget it, i nid to sleep coz i had to work the next dae n i din wanna end up with swollen lips and face again due to lack of sleep...but yin told me to return her the old wenling...hmmmz...was i that onz in the past??? mayb age is realli catching up on me and dun realli feel like clubbing n stuff n staying out too late when i have to work the next dae...

on friday, after work, went down to SMU for mentoring meeting...darl waited for me in sch since bout 7 plus n i ended close to 10...hee...sori lar darl...n our original plan was also to rush back to his place to catch the 9am show...last episode sia...but we din manage to...sighz...

played a few games of winning eleven at his place...everyone else was tired that dae, so in the end, all plans were cancelled and darl sent me home...he fell asleep within minutes when he was supposed to go home...erm...actually that's always the case...just one minute on the bed and off he goes to dreamland...so useless...haha..

on saturday, darl came to pick me up at bout 7pm...we rode back to his place and then albert came to pick us up....we were going prawn fishing...hee...we spent like bout 4 to 5 hours there...n we caught so little prawns..onli like 10 plus...it was quite pathetic lar...n wheneva i try to take over the rod, my bait always kenna eaten but the prawn escaped...sighz...conclusion: i will just let other people do the fishing...

went back to darl's place to cook the prawns after that, n we went to al azhar to take away some food to go with the prawns....i felt so guilty eating at like 3 am in the morning when i'm supposed to be watching moi diet...damn!!!

darl then sent me home after that, by the time i reached home, it was bout 5am...n my sister was surprisingly still awake...she's kinda hooked onto the vcd....hai tun wan lian ren...the vcd that i was watching not too long ago....the one where i discovered that zhang shao han is actually not a bad singer and that zhong yi looks like xu shao yang..haha...i fell asleep while watching it with my sis n she had to wake me up to go up to moi bed....

todae, according to darl, is lazy sun....so i'm just lazing right now..kinda bored...darl is taking foreva to come to moi place sia...n he is blogging right now too...which means by the time he reaches here will be like 7pm...as usual...i've neva met another guy who can "tu" for sooo long....hmmz...on second thots, i tink dong hai is just as bad...haha...

now i'm planning a trip to taipei...will be gg in july...n i'm gonna shop shop n shop...hee...ohhh...n sch is gg start one more week lata on the 22nd aug...the holz are damn long man...but wellz, why shld i be complaining...ohh shit, just as i'm writing this, i just remembered..that means moi exams will end one more week lata...arghhzzz...my end of yr holidays is gg to be damn short...n darl is gg to finish his exams like one month before me...damn...i tink i will plan my timetable in such a way where i take more of those non-examinable courses...the best is to have like onli one paper if possible...yeah!!!!

ohhh...n ah bet has got a blog now...it's quite entertaining...hee...ehhh but ah bet, put up a tagboard leh....so that i can spout all my rubbish there...here is the link: fourwhys.blogspot.com...

kk..gonna laze n wait for darl to finally get up n leave his hse....

Insomnia...

2005-05-08T05:42:00.000+08:00

went out for dinner todae with my sec sch frens to celebrate dong hai's bdae...i ended up eating finger food coz had no appetite...was quite fun to just chill out with them though..haven seen them in like a few months....

after that, all of them headed down to dbl o...as for me...my original plan was to take a cab down to holland v to meet darl n his frens...the freaking taxi queue was like damn long lar...i waited till v pek cek sia...n then lata darl called...just one more minute and i would have gone onto a cab oredi...and awz..they said wala wala was full so there had to be a change of plans...

hence, waited for them to pick me up instead...n the weather was so darn freaking hot, i was sweating so much...i hate it when the sweat mixes with make-up..the feeling on ur face is damn gross...

in the end, we checked out a few places in clarke quay...but we ended up at Insomnia at chijmes...the live band was superb sia....u've gotta go listen for urself if you haven't tried it...

left the place at around 3 plus n went for supper at al azhar at bt timah...cheryl then sent me n darl back to his place for darl to drive me home...

okie...i'm sori darl for throwing tantrums todae...i duno wat's wrong with me nowadaes...it's like i wanna be sweet n all but every little ting triggers off some bad memories...it goes to show that a large part of ur memories wasn't with me...rather, it was always someone else...

i just want u to noe that i'm realli trying...n i do love u...honestly, maybe not as much as before...but i still do...let's hope time would close up all the wounds and that i can bring myself to believe in you once again...

ohh..n yar...wat's it with ppl getting married ar??? everytime i meet up with my frens, it's like will hear bout like 2 or 3 other frens like oredi ROM or like planning to get married....macham like trend liddat....it seemed to me that it's too earli to settle down but on second thots, i'm oredi 23...24 is a nice age to get married n start a family...haha..yar i wish...but reality sets in n yupz...no marriage plans till at least 4 years lata....

n seriously, the idea of marriage scares me off now....i tink i'm developing a kinda phobia towards it...just feel that in todae's society, people's views of relationships & sex are too warped and open...too much for my liking...n it makes me lose trust in the kinda love and trust that should prevail in a marriage...well well well...

okok...gonna get some sleep soon...yawnz..it's 6 am in the morn...gotta wake up for tuition tom and damn...yesh...end of my holz soon..gonna start work on monday....

sobz..moi last few daes of fun...

2005-05-07T04:24:00.000+08:00

haven been blogging for quite some time...have been enjoying the three weeks since the end of exams...been slacking and nua-ing around....it's damn shuang to sleep at 6am in the morning and wake up again to decide where else to go to slack...

awz..just went for a movie with darl n justin...we watched kingdom of heaven at suntec...saw shan and dom there...okie lar the movie was not bad i feel...

todae woke up with damn bad cramps...after a while, couldn't take it so went to take some painkillers....n the pain still didn't get very much better...sianz..it's unfair why women have to be subjected to such pain....

right now, darl and justin at moi place....they are playing winning eleven whilst i am on moi laptop...hee...

okok...gonna surf around for good deals to taipei...planning a trip there in july....FINALLY, i can go on a holiday....yeah!!!

...

2005-04-27T18:38:00.000+08:00

hmmz...yayaya...haven been updating moi blog lar...but then again...din feel like mah....

awz...past few daes...have been staying at home...spending time with darl..he's still having his exams...poor him..but will finish in 2 days time lar...

have been craving for jalan kayu prata for 3 days oredi...n darl dun wan bring me go eat...pui...n i oso hav been wanting to play pool for weeks oredi but till now, darl still dun wan go play...sighz...so bad...

but nonetheless, he has been rather nice to me lar....help me dye my hair n spending all his time with me...

got back all moi results oredi..my farked up term is finally over...it's a damn nightmare man...n it's a wake up call for me too...to remind me how i have been farking my own studies up for long enuff....

hmmz...ohhh...and aw...we planning to go on a short trip...probably to tioman...with justin...cheryl, ming bert : wanna go??? prob at end of june or sthg.... bert oso mentioned driving up to genting...mayb we'll do just that...sounds fun....

...

2005-04-21T22:28:00.000+08:00

just back from dinner with elizabeth..my mentor from BP...hee...nice dinner...went to hardrock cafe...the calamari is fantastic...haha..or mayb i'm just a sucker for calamari...she's a real nice person...n bought gifts for me n mei oso on top of paying for dinner...

feeling kinda bored now...coz it's 1030 and i duno wat to do for the rest of the nite...mayb i shld realli start changing back my bio clock..

awz...yest went for ktv at jurong east with jeff...drank a little...brought our own alcohol in too...coz if not, the bill is going to be damn high...we did tink of opening one bottle tho..but decided against splurging too much money and of course, how are 2 ppl gg to finish one whole bottle of alcohol in a few hrs??? i'm not that fantastic a drinker man...

after that, went to meet shyan, cheng, callie and long for coffee...was there for a little while onli until darl came to pick me up....went home n slept almost immed while darl continued to study...he had a paper todae...

woke up to cook lunch for him before he left for sch...slept a while more after that before gg for the dinner...

tinking whether i shld start reading..borrowed 4 books from the library..n if i start, i'd prob finish them in like 2 days??? then i have to make another trip to the library..haha...okok..i tink i'll do just that...

fav song now...

2005-04-20T03:50:00.000+08:00

my fav song at the moment...a bit late to be listening to it..coz quite long ago liao..haha..but i'm sooo in love with this song -- Journey by Zhang Shao Han

lyrics provided..haha...

Journeyby Angela Zhang/Jill Xu
It's a long long journey
Till I know whera I'm supposed to be

It's a long long journey
And I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide

It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you
Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong

I know I will falter I know I will cry
I know you'll be standing by my side
It's a long long journey
And I need to be close to you

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know whyI do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through?

Cause It's a long long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on calvary
Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
Cause It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you ... to you

ohhh..and another song that i'm currently listening a lot to is also zhang shao han's song -- yi shi de mei hao..nice...:)

wateva

2005-04-20T03:39:00.000+08:00

just back from the SMU's sport bash...not very fantastic...n we left earli too...

act duno wat to blog right now...i tink i'm in a wateva mood now...i'm sick of my life, sick of ppl thinking i'm some reliant freak who can't live without my bf, sick of being me...

i tink i'll just go be a hermit...

Updatez...

2005-04-19T01:01:00.000+08:00

went for ktv with moi smu clique on fri...to celebrate the end of exams and theresa's bdae...haven been out on a ktv session with all of them for ages...darl went with me too...hee...

after that, pretty much stayed at home coz darl still having his exams...hmmz...but he din realli study much leh...he slept a lot though...hope he can pull through this time round...

on sat nite, went to buy vcd..finally bought moi "hai tun wan zhi lian"...a taiwanese show starring xu shao yang, zhang shao han, huo jian hua, xu jie er...n as usual, i finished watching all 18 vcds in two daes...haha..it's like reading, once i start, i can't seem to be able to stop...

awz..it was a nice show...anyone wans to borrow the vcds? (after all exams are over of course...)

celebrated mum's bdae on sunday...as usual, had my whole extended family over for dinner...me n kelvin went shopping for her present and bought a pierre cardin wallet for her in the end...

talking bout darl...he's got a paper tom...n he just fell asleep...AGAIN...aiyoh...duno wat to do with him lar..mayb the fact that moi exams are over and i'm doing nothing is affecting his mood to study for exams...hmmm...

kk..gonna wake him up to study now...

2005-04-19T00:59:00.000+08:00

group pic of everybody present for the bdae celebration...

2005-04-19T00:58:00.001+08:00

bdae gal holding her cake...

2005-04-19T00:58:00.000+08:00

the four gals of obs grp 36...hee...

2005-04-19T00:57:00.003+08:00

pic of the smu clique...

2005-04-19T00:57:00.002+08:00

crystal singing...hee

2005-04-19T00:57:00.001+08:00

theresa..the bdae gal...

2005-04-19T00:57:00.000+08:00

the main cast...

2005-04-19T00:56:00.002+08:00

the other gal in the show..tink she's quite pretty...:)

2005-04-19T00:56:00.001+08:00

another pic of my darl's fav...xu jie er

2005-04-19T00:56:00.000+08:00

xu jie er in the show...my darl's fav...

2005-04-19T00:55:00.000+08:00

one of the promo pics for the show...

2005-04-19T00:54:00.000+08:00

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2005-04-19T00:53:00.000+08:00

xu shao yang in the show...hmmz...if you watch the show, you will realise that there is an uncanny resemblance of zhongyi and xu shao yang....

it's been aeons...

2005-04-15T04:30:00.000+08:00

yesh..cheryl dear..my blog is indeed stale..haha..haven been blogging for a long time...so tis will be a darn long entry...

before i go on to update whateva has been going on in my life, let me first wish all those who are STILL having exams good luck...just hang on there a while more...it will soon be over before you even realize it...

okok..now for the recap...

My Life with Darl
This past month or so, have been real happi with darl..tings are realli starting to look up...FINALLY....darl has been like real sweet n all...n we hav been spending all our time together...well, almost....

darl's bdae was on 11th april n the sucky ting -- i had two papers, one on the 11th and another on the 12th...sighz...so couldn't realli celebrate his bdae with him...i didn't even have time to prepare his presents for him...gg to do that real soon...gonna take some time though...

spent the whole of the eve of my exam baking cake for darl...damn!! decorating a cake is not an easy task sia....n to make it worse, i haven studied for moi exams....so after baking the cake, took a cab, rushed down to his place to pass him the cake at 12am and then rushed back home again to continue studying....was darn super shagged lar...but well, anyting for moi darl...hee

after my first paper, could onli afford the time to have lunch with him...then he went home after i concussed...and came to moi place again in the nite to camp over for the next few daes so that he could also start studying for his first paper, which is tom morning...hmmmz....he's struggling to finish studying now though...

i'll be there for you whenever you nid any support yar!!! Jiayou!!!

Exams
Had 2 papers this term, namely, BP and QM...didn't realli have time to finish studying for both...especially for QM...

QM was one of the most horrific exam experiences in my whole entire academic life sia...i din study la...n i can onli blame myself...i rem when i first flipped thru the paper. There were 5 questions...n when reading thru it...i was like, "oh shit, i'm so gonna die"...

tried to attempt the questions though...after 1 hr (it was a 2hr paper), the things that were going thru my head were:

if i get a D or an F, how is that going to affect my GPA?
Shld i reconsider my major and major in something else like marketing as it is relatively easier to score?
How the hell am I gg to pull up my GPA again after this term?
I shld realli try to start speaking up in class

to be thinking of all these during the course of doing my paper is real bad news....sighz...was truly traumatized and was still shocked for a few hrs after the end of my paper....but wellz, it's over....

Post-exams
Directly after my last paper, went home coz darl was still fast asleep at moi place...this is the first time in years where i did not go for moi usual ktv therapy session directly after exams...coz i wanted to spend more time with darl lar...he had to study and i feel bad going out to enjoy myself whilst he has to suffer....so i shall continue to suffer with him for the next two weeks..haha...

however, the next dae, i did go out for ktv lar..haha...with shyan, long n meizhen...felt quite bad coz i left darl all alone at moi place...hee sori lar...

immed after ktv, walked to cuppage to get food for darl...the queue was darn long lar..damn sian sia....den rushed back home to eat with him and to watch soccer: liverpool vs juventus...

both of us were hoping for juventus to win so tat mayb there would be a chance for them to kick chelsea out of the league...but wellz, that did not happen..in the end, liverpool won...sighz....

After a few daes of camping at moi place, darl went home just now at bout 10pm coz he has to go to school tom for his paper...n moi, i went out for supper with yin n yiping...haven seen them for a few months oredi...

yin -- hee sori lar...will go club with u soon yar..

ohh..n in the course of catching up with them, realised that a lot of my sec sch frens are like either oredi married or planning to get married soon...hmmz...i feel so weird...haha...isn't it like a little too young??? but if i had a choice, i would wanna get married earlier oso lar...then can have kidz...hee....love kidz man...

the rest of my post exam daes were spent playing games whilst darl studied...a lot of bejeweled and typer shark...finally...one of the few games where darl can't win me...TRY HARDER LAR AR....haha

it's like almost 5am in the morning now...getting a little tired oredi...darl is still studying....hmmmz....well, heck lar..i shall go sleep first....hee....

test results

2005-04-04T19:17:00.000+08:00

tried out this quiz from keefe's blog...hmmz..interesting results....

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Disorder:	Low
Antisocial Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Disorder:	Very High
Avoidant Disorder:	High
Dependent Disorder:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

feeling bored..

2005-03-25T23:59:00.000+08:00

studying in SMU now..or rather attempting to study...

so, that explains why i changed my blogskin..haha..but i'm lazy to personalize my blog as yet...so i shall leave it as it is now...will personalize it when i got the time...

this blogskin will just be temporary though...looking for nicer ones....hee...

kk..back to doing barilla spA and its JITD system...

earli in the morning...

2005-03-23T04:45:00.000+08:00

here i am..blogging earli in the morning..got damn bored of studying...n my head is exploding with all the info i have to squeeze into my head...

damn...i just started my marketing not long ago...sighz..tink i'm gonna do like damn badly tom for both tests...n dun start calling me a fakeko (those of you who do...haha) coz i realli cannot make it this time lar....

damn hungry now...darl is cooking for me downstairs...hee....food is v impt when it comes to studying n keeping late nights..it helps to nourish the brain n not to mention, putting on weight....hmmz...but wellz...i still enjoy food...haha

found out v horrible stuff over the course of the past two daes...n after some thinking, i still maintain that although it's even more difficult to forgive now, i am still willing to give it a shot..dumb it may seem...but wellz...i am dumb when it comes to darl....sighz...

let's hope everyting turns out as expected...do pray for me man....i just wanna lead a simple life...hee...

okok..food is here...gonna eat now...then study....

yawnz

2005-03-21T01:29:00.000+08:00

yawnz...at darl's place now...trying to do some work whilst my contact lenses are damn dry and i can't open my eyes...getting bored of work...so am bloggin rite now...

awz...in the previous blog, i mentioned that i would wan to blog bout someting in the coming entry...n here it is...

on fri, me n ling had a heart to heart talk between us..n she told me, "honestly, this term, I'm very disappointed in you"...n i am damn glad that she said that...coz i tink it kinda provided the push to get me started on finding back myself...

since my r/s probs started, and as the problems increased in regularity and complexity, my whole life got very affected...i couldnt be bothered much bout sch stuff, bout frenz, bout myself, and pretty much everyting else...it just seemed that my whole life revolved around one person and all the betrayal...n i tink this term, it culminated to a point where i just couldn't be bothered bout anyting..especially my work...

i'm not someone who doesn't tink n reflect..i do...n it is precisely becoz of tis tat i'm not having an easy time myself...i am frustrated at the fact that i noe that i am behaving in a damn undisciplined manner but am unable to pull myself back and focus on other tings in my life...

n for the past two terms, ling has been a great help to me...she has helped me cover my ass a lot of times when i couldn't take it anymore...n i'm very sorry that i have let her down so mani times...

soooo...coz of this wonderful friend of mine...i'm going to try my best to be there for her in terms of my level of commitment to my work...n coz of her, i am oso going to try my best to behave in a way whereby i wouldn't be disappointed in myself...

too many tings have been given up...my dreams, my focus, my direction in life..all these have been sacrificed in the face of all my personal problems...now, i will try to get them back and be the mechilli dat was once deemed capable....:)

okokz...back to studying....

One long hectic day...

2005-03-19T12:24:00.000+08:00

just woke up...last nite i totally concussed after the bah kut teh supper at balestier rd...

awz...yest was a damn shagged dae man....woke up at 6am coz i had to teach tuition at 730...went to sch after that, reached at bout 11 plus...the meeting went on fine in the beginning...but took a turn for the worse a little lata when people started getting hungry and needed to leave n stuff...

so, those who had to leave left...and the 3 gals stayed behind to tie up the survey questions...after which, me n ling thrashed out some other stuff for the project..

yest was some street soccer challenge tingy held at SMU n darl was taking part in it...i onli managed to turn up for his last match at 8plus...n even so, i had to drag ling down to the soccer courts so that we could concurrently discuss our project as well...

first time i watched darl playing soccer actually...sometimes it's amazing how we have been together for more than 5 years and we have neva done a lot of tings together before...but then again, that is a once in a blue moon occurrence kinda ting lar..haha

i wanted to blog bout some stuff..but lazy to do it now..tink i'll do it in another entry lata...

ohh n aw...do u all noe of ppl who are thick skinned enuff to go to a tagboard, post their own tag n reply to that tag....that is my darl for u...using my name somemore...haha

okok..going wake him up now..i'm famished...

2005-03-18T00:06:00.000+08:00

i tink my fone's camera's resolution is like shitzz....

2005-03-18T00:04:00.000+08:00

playing pool at lucky plaza...:)

Y is life so complex?

2005-03-17T23:18:00.000+08:00

just got back from school...had mentoring meeting just now...was damn tired throughout the whole dae coz i slept like onli 2 hrs max??

went out with shyan, long n marianne yest..we went for ktv, then pool, then supper...by the time i was home...it was oredi bout 3am in the morning...

was very affected last nite bout joeann's blog...on one hand, i would like to noe wat happened..but on the other hand, i mean, seriously, wat is there to noe sia??? I've been thru that stage in my life before...n i'm not a 3 year old kid...it's obvious that everything that could be done has been done...just that i'm not too sure whether she is the first one though...

dun fault me for writing this...i just felt like blogging wateva i'm feeling...

awz..joeann just posted another entry in her blog in response to his blog..hmmz...i actually found it quite interesting...n she did make sense...if he realli loved me, he would not have hurt me again and again...n yar, it's precisely coz he noes that i will ultimately forgive him at the end of the dae that my love for him is being taken for granted...

i do noe all these..this reminds me of a time when xiao lin asked me a question...can't realli rem her exact words, but it was something like, " after so much bad stuff, y are u still with him?" n my reply to that was: "coz i love him. There will come a point in every person's life when you meet that someone and you wouldn't mind loving him though it hurts and continue to give"...

It's not that I am dumb not to see the truth that what he feels for me may not be love...n it's not that i am stupid to keep trying to trust him when sometimes it's such a blatant lie that he tells...n it's not that i'm so ignorant not to noe that when such things have happened so many times before, it will happen again....n it's nt that i treat the r/s as a game - breaking n patching all the time (someting which i'm kinda sick of act)...all these i noe....

but...when i realli sit down n tink thru...I tink for me, I have met the person in my life...I have hurt him many times before in the past...but for now, i guess it's just love...

if he was to tell me, let's break up coz i want to be with this other gal....i would give him my blessings....realli...

actually, i do have a lot to thank him for too...it was because of him that i learned how to love a person n he has given me wonderful memories....

i tink as of now, everyone is doubtful as to whether he will change....me too actually...but the past week or so, he has been showing me sincerity -- something that i haven seen in him since the first two years we were together...n becoz of tis, stupid as it may seem, coz it's not the first time i'm saying this, i'm willing to give him a last chance...

i do wan him to be happi..that's all i wan...in the past, i used to tink that he was just playful...n he was happi with me...but after this incident, i tink that yesh, i do wan him to be happi..but if that's the way tings are gg to continue to be, me forgiving him over n over again...then his real happiness does not lie with me....n i will be willing to let go...

wat kept me hanging on the past few times was coz there was hope..i have neva doubted that he was just flirting and the person he loves is realli me...but now, i have finally realised that that may not the case...but i'm willing to give it a last try to determine that...

i tink everyone do deserves chances...i wouldn't be where i am todae if i was not given chances...

in the past, i used to be like him...tinking back, i'm amazed at how much of a bitch i can be..haha...but well, i made the choices in life myself...:)

if even i could change, i'm willing to keep my hands crossed and let him try...

if it still doesn't work out, i will leave...without any regrets...coz i have done wat i could do..the rest is not up to me anymore...it's in the hands of fate!!!

okok..tink i'm talking too much rubbish...wellz...hope that life will finally be betta for me in the near future....

ohh...n one last ting...i tink the bad memories will neva be erased..but i do blif that time does help to heal the hurt n all..love is indeed a powerful ting...hee...

okok..i betta stop n go bathe....

2005-03-15T23:16:00.000+08:00

okie..who has tried maybelline's XXL mascara??? i tinking of getting one for my undernourished short lashes...

2005-03-15T23:15:00.000+08:00

i look like this when it's 8am in the morning n i haven slept coz my whole mind was stuffed with meg whitman n ebay the whole nite...

2005-03-15T23:14:00.000+08:00

new pouch for moi hp...

2005-03-15T23:08:00.001+08:00

a gross pic of myself..i tink i look like dat when i'm pissed...

2005-03-15T23:08:00.000+08:00

okiez..we are realli quite borred

2005-03-15T23:04:00.000+08:00

whilst waiting to be serviced...

2005-03-15T22:38:00.000+08:00

two bored people...in fujitsu service centre..damn man...had to replace my whole keyboard...coz my sister spilt water on it...

2005-03-15T22:35:00.000+08:00

new hairstyle...ehh..duno wat kind of face he trying to portray here...haha

finally blogging...

2005-03-15T22:25:00.000+08:00

hmmz...it has been a long time since i blogged...wellz..at least in here...

been through a very rough patch the past two weeks...a lot shit has happened to me n i dun wan to repeat them here...i would just have to learn to let all the bad memories go...

hmmmz...actually..i'm at a loss of what to write now...haha...well..for a start...okie...this is what i plan to do with my life...

i'm going to start doing some studying
i'm going to lose somemore weight (been onli a little successful)
i'm going to get rid of horrible thoughts in my head
i'm going to learn to trust my darl again

i guess that's all i wanna do now...

ohh yar...forgot to mention...meizhen is getting married soon!!!!! YEAH!!!!! time to be bridesmaid..i'm so happy for her....n so envious...we both got attached bout almost the same time...one week difference onli in fact...but now she's getting married sooooo fast....haha...

as for me, that path still seems like such a faraway place...hmm...

but awz...yupz..congrats meizhen...cannot play so much liao oso...:)

2005-02-28T21:26:00.000+08:00

Ideal Relationship( but things dun always turn out to be ideal)

Love the girl in your heart, not in your mind. If you base your relationship on feelings, it will fail for there are ups & downs in feelings. Girls are there to be loved, not toyed around.

Love her for who she is. Don't even think about changing any bit about her. 6 billion people in this world & 6 billion different personalities. She's special & she will stay that way. You change any part of her, you'll change her forever. Don't substitute her for anyone else, they are just unique in their own ways.

Love whole-heartedly. She sacrificed a lot for you so you'd better really treassure her. She could have just got up & date a so much more dashing guy in town but she chose you instead all because of love. So love her guys, not play with her.

Don't just get the girl to beg you to stay or whatsoever. If you're with her, love her. Don't cause a strain in the relationship, you'll end up loving each other out of pity or charity, that's not respecting love at all. Respect love the way it is & everything will be the best it can be.

Don't expect perfection from her. She's the only one in the world & she's done the best she could.

Like another girl while you're in a relationship? Then I think it's time you remain single for a while. Don't go around breaking girls' hearts, it's the most tragic thing to do.

Tell the truth, never hide anything from her. If you want her to tell you everything, do the same. Don't go calling other girls "honey" or "darling", how would it feel if your girl calls other guys the same way? Be faithful, enough is enough.

Socialise only when you're single. You socialise & flirt around is to get the girl of your dreams. Get it over when she's already yours, don't ask for more.

It never kills to be romantic. Think, be flexible. Getting that diamond ring isn't the only gift for her. Be realistic, she's human & she lives life just like you. Something sweet & simple always get the job done. Money doesn't exist between couples, it's the love.

Never promise her that you'll love her forever because your forever might end the next day. Love her as if each day is the last.

Sweet talks only apply for singles, not for attached guys. Do that & you'll really break your girl's heart. Isn't good being too well-known too, it'll give her a sense of insecurity. Remember, INSECURITY.

Promise her & make sure you never break it. Swear to her & make sure you keep it. Pledge your love to her & her alone.

Loving her is giving her your heart to break it but trusting her not to. Instead, she'll cherish it & protect it. That's love. Give her your heart, your life, your everything.

Lay down your life & prepare to die for her when the need arises. But stay strong & live through another day, she can never live without you.

Never, ever walk out of her life. She won't just cry her heart out & carry on living as per normal, she'd die. Its her heart that you've broken, how would you ever know how she feels?

Winning a girl's heart isn't the final victory. Don't leave her once you've won her love. Love her all the way till the end of time, love her till marriage, love her till old age, love her till death. If you can love her till the end of time, you've earned the honor & respect for you've truly loved her.

She chose you because she believes that you can fulfil your promise. Win her heart & love her over. Remember, the girl isn't a trophy for display, she's someone to love, not to show off to your "friends". Stay humble yet proud that she's the one for you. Respect her for the way she is, never despise her & never mistreat her, never even think of toying with her...

2005-02-22T14:15:00.000+08:00

--<@ Libra Woman Traits @>--

She can be very naughty like a little boy, but yet fully 100% woman. She is a little flirt even she has no idea what she wants.

She is gifted with how to dress, and how to match her dress. She likes to dress in black and wear perfume.

In any argument, she can really argue. She can argue for hours, and mostly win the argument. If it is not a serious argument, she could argue and once a while give you a smile also. She always has a good reasons ,even she likes to contradict herself. She can not decide what is right and wrong for her, because everything has a good side and a bad side.

She can adjust to her environment very well, so at work she will be at the ladder up. She likes team work in doing things. If you ask her for help or advice, she will help you except if she does not like your guts.

Good side of being with Libra woman are she never interfere with your privacy. She will not make you loose face in front of your friends. She thinks taking care of the house is a woman job and she can do it well.

Butif you expect a Libra woman to fear you, then you are wrong. She is a strong woman even though she looks at you with that sweet innocent pairs of baby's looks and may loose you (let you win) in a few poker games.

*** If she is the one you are after, then go step by step. The best way is using her friends introducing you to her. Do not make her feel or treat her like a bubble head. You have to move forward towards her with confidence and secure. Show her that you are a kind , polite and a REAL gentleman. Be a slow hand or else you might get smack! ***

emotionless...

2005-02-20T06:45:00.000+08:00

"Let's end this story of us. I am unable to make u happy. I fail as a bf."

said ever so simply n clearly.

just came home. fainted in my living room just nw. i hate to faint.

nthg else to say. emotions are a burden. from now on, i will nt feel anything else towards anyting.

...

2005-02-19T16:26:00.000+08:00

found this on friendster...just wanna share with everyone..dun get urself into a situation where u have to go for an abortion....it is realli a living nightmare....

Dear Mommy,
I am in Heaven now...I so wanted to be your littlegirl. I don't quite understand what has happened.I was so excited when I began realizing myexistance. I was in a dark, yet comfortable place. I saw I had fingers and toes. I was pretty far along in my developing, yet not near ready to leave my surroundings. I spent most of my time thinking or sleeping. Even from my earliest days,I felt a special bonding between you and me.

Sometimes I heard you crying and I cried with you.Sometimes you would yell or scream, then cry. I heard Daddy yelling back. I was sad, and hoped youwould be better soon. I wondered why you cried so much.One day you cried almost all of the day. I hurt for you. I couldn't imagine why you were so unhappy.

That same day, the most horrible thing happened. A very mean Monster came into that warm,comfortable place I was in. I was so scared, I began screaming, but you never once tried to help me. Maybe you never heard me.

The monster got closer and closer as I was screaming and screaming, "Mommy,Mommy, help me please! Mommy, help me." Complete terror is all Ifelt. I screamed and screamed until I thought I couldn't anymore.

Then the monster started ripping my arms off. It hurt so bad; the pain i can never explain. It didn't stop. Oh, how I begged it to stop. I screamed in horror as it ripped my leg off. Though I was in such complete pain, I was dying. I knew I would never see your face or hear you say how much you love me.I wanted to make all your tears go away. I had so many plans to make you happy. Now I couldn't, all my dreams were shattered.

Though I was in utter pain and horror, I felt the pain of my heartbreaking, above all. I wanted more than anything to be your daughter. No use now, for I was dying a painful death. I could only imagine the terrible things that they had done to you. I wanted to tell you that I love you before I was gone, but I didn't know the wordsyou could understand. And soon, I no longer had the breath to say them; I was dead.

I felt myself rising. I was being carried by a huge angel into a big beautiful place. I was still crying, but the physical pain was gone.The angel took me away to a wonderful place. ThenI was happy. I asked the angel what was the thing was that killed me.

He answered, "Abortion. I am sorry, for I know how it feels." I don't know what abortion is, I guess that's the name of the monster.

I'm writing to say that I love you and to tell you how much I wanted to be your little girl. I tried very hard to live. I wanted to live. I had the will, but I couldn't; the monster was too powerful.It sucked my arms and legs off and finally got all of me. It was impossible to live. I just wanted you to know I tried to stay with you. I didn't want to die. Also, Mommy, please watch out for that abortion monster.

Mommy, I love you and I would hate for you to go through the kind of pain I did. Please be careful.

Love,
Your Baby Girl

...

2005-02-18T01:07:00.000+08:00

...

2005-02-16T21:11:00.000+08:00

Nua-ing on my sofa in the living room in front of the TV right now...this feeling is soo shuang..had a very long dae todae...so the nua-ing now is not bad...but i miss my darl...

had a very late night yest coz was studying for QM quiz todae...woke up earli in the morning for my FT dine-out at SIM...paid 17 bucks for it...hmmz..there was bread, soup, salad with a pathetic prawn perched on top of it, some chicken chop n mashed potato tingy, and ice-cream...n the onli ting that was nice is the bread...quite stressful...esp when someone is observing you eat...

rushed back to school for QM quiz...hmmz...i duno whether i did it correctly or not...well..heck lar...at least i finished the paper....ohh..got back my marketing quiz todae...did not bad lar...luckily...haha...

tink now i gg slack a while first...then after that do my FT assignment...hope to meet darl soon...

ohh..n it's keefe's bdae todae...Happi Bdae!!!

v long neva update

2005-02-15T19:57:00.000+08:00

haven't updated in a long long time...so now, gg to update...this will be a damn long blog...i will try to remember what i have been busy with since the last blog....

Johor Bahru
went down with darl n the usual ppl to JB again...hmm..i tink it was like one week plus back...this time, went to the previous stall that darl they all usually go to...and the crayfish was...NICE!!! hee...but the sambal kangkong at the other side was nicer...wellz...i'd rather go for crayfish...ohh..n tried the chee cheong fun there too...it was damn smooth...but being smooth means that it is also a bit nua...but oso nice lar....

after JB, we went back to singapore n spent a considerable amount in cheryl's car trying to decide where to go...was quite fun oso...that's when justin's "Amanda" (his imaginary gf) materialized....damn farnie lar....haha

in the end, we decided to go to bugis..ended up in this place called cancafe to chill....nice place to chill...the sofas are rather comfortable and the best ting...i can smoke in an aircon place..haha...

Chinese New Year
Had a very long break for chinese new year...after reunion dinner, the usual ppl plus wenwei n me, went to darl's house to gamble...Wenwei was lucky..won quite a bit...as for me, lost like a few bucks onli...so not that painful...went to al ahmeen to eat after that...nt a very satisfying meal..i ordered some thai style beef nasi goreng..not nice lar...n it costs me 5 bucks...sighz...aw..after the supper, went back to kelvin's place..stayed there for the night as his parents were not in town...

first day of CNY, went over to darl granny's place to bai nian first...was soo tired..n stupid darl went to sleep whilst i tried to find a comfortable position sleeping whilst sitting up....damn inconsiderate...hmph...after that, went down to my uncle's place...we reached there quite late..so just had a little meal n played some tai tee...

after all the bai nian-ing was done...we went down to ming's place with justin to gamble again...darl lost a lot...me lost a little...was quite fun at the end when we played the "bowl" tingy...we were screaming so much till the neighbours complained and the police came up...haha...oopz...

after that, as usual, went for supper again...this time at river valley...i was so damn tired that i din realli have mood to eat...n aft supper, went back home coz darl din wan me to stay over again coz he said i wasn't spending time with my family...so i went home reluctantly coz there is a lack of space in my hse...too mani ppl liaoz...my cousin oso permanent resident at my place now...so, as expected, i din have a place to sleep...my sisters were occupying my whole room oredi..so had to sleep on some makeshift bed lar..sighz...

spent a considerable amount of the next dae sleeping...darl came to pick me up at bout 12 plus or 1 plus in the nite...went over to his place sleep again...we went for supper first..at al ahmeen again...i got so sick of indian food throughout this new year period...tried the garlic naan and mutton masala...nice nice...also tried the tandoori chicken, which both of us didn't like....

went back to darl's place..n immed he fell asleep..damn man!! i drank teh at al ahmeen coz i was feeling a little tired...n i didn't want to sleep when i had some personal time with darl...felt so cheated after that, coz i had to lull myself to sleep after that when i was quite awake...

darl tried to make up for it the next dae by bringing me to whereva i wanted to go...so i suggested we go din tai fung as i had a craving for dian xin..however when we reached there, the queue was like farking long...so we settled for thai express instead...wasn't very nice...think the quality wasn't there coz it was very crowded...

went for movie after that, n i oso got my wish...hee..coz we went geylang to meet ming, cheryl and justin for supper to eat dian xin...not bad lar..the dian xin there...we took quite long to find the place tho...

Karaoke
sang twice last week...on monday was with ming, cheryl, justin, darl n wenwei...quite fun lar..that dae my voice oso quite on form...so not bad...enjoyed it...decided after that to learn the song "ge qian" by jay chou...under the influence of our dear morbit orbit..haha

the second session was with darl, justin and kelly...this time, voice like shit...mayb too late in the nite liao lar...darl was not bad...can reach the ge qian high parts...n it was quite nice...justin oso not bad...quite surprised...act he sing ronald cheng's song not bad...andy lau's one oso not bad lar...time for him to diversify from the jay chou norm lar...

after the second session, wanted to go eat supper but didn't dare to say..coz darl will scold...he oredi say no more supper for us...coz putting on too much weight liaoz...luckily i still had cheesecake at my place..hee...not like poor justin, who had to eat pineapple tarts and ended up with a sore throat the next dae...haha....

Movies
watched two movies recently, namely, some korean movie-A moment to remember and seoul raiders...

A moment to remember
This movie is a tear-jerking drama in which love blossoms between a poor carpenter whose only goal in life is to become an architect and a career woman born with a silver spoon in her mouth but doomed with Alzheimer's disease...

the show was sad lar..cried quite a bit..darl too...haha...nice...my rating for this is about 4 star out of 5...

Seoul Raiders
While hot on trail of a plate for making counterfeit US bank notes, Lam (starring Tony Leung) finally meets his match in Owen (starring Richie Jen), a CIA rogue agent who cons Lam of the plate and flees to Korea, ready to sell it to the kingpin of Korea’s most notorious counterfeit cartel. Lam immediately trailed Owen to Korea. No sooner has he landed, he recruits a bevy of beautiful girls as his aides. During Lam’s quest to repossess the plate, there is JJ, a agile burglar (starring Shu Qi) who offers to help, in return for half of the bounty money. After a breathless series of hell-raising adventures against both Owen and Polar Bear, Lam & company finally got the plate back and have Owen captured, only to be double crossed at the eleventh hour by JJ, who pinches the plate to cut a deal with Polar Bear directly...

we watched this coz giovanna like shu qi...i do agree that she is very sexy...this show is okie lar..typical chinese movie lar...will give it a 3 star out of 5...

Valentine's Dae
on valentine's eve..was quite pissed...coz found out darl not at hme but realised i was jumping to conclusions much too fast...sori for dat...

i was already asleep when i got a call from darl at bout 1215am...he told me to look downstairs...so i did, n he was in his car...n he blasted this song to me, which was sooo touching...

(When I first saw you, I saw love. And the
first time you touched me, I felt love. And
after all this time, you're still the one I love.)

Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

BRIDGE:
They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

CHORUS:
(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'

(BRIDGE)
(CHORUS)
(CHORUS)

I'm so glad we made it
Look how far we've come my baby

the above song is shania twain's "You're Still the One"...it was realli realli v sweet of darl...i felt like super guilty for doubting him...

aw...for the actual dae itself, which was yesterday...we went to bugis to shop around first...i bought a pair of sandals from leather ark..love the sandals there coz realli v comfy...darl finally bought his leather haversack from bugis street so both of us were satisfied shoppers...

okie..now for the power dinner...we went to some steamboat place at bugis...those kind of yuan-yong pot one...we ordered duck soup and spicy mala soup...when it came, we were like, wow...the mala soup looks so damn spicy...

thinking that we were some macham can eat v spicy kind of person, we each took half a bowl of the mala soup to drink...my first touch with it was still okie...spicy but not that bad...it was nice...so i took my second sip...went straight to my throat...n after that, we realised that it was too spicy to drink it as a soup...n the spicy taste lingered in our mouths for a super long time...lips were getting little swollen...

actually, we tink, the soup is onli meant to be used as a dip...haha..n we stupid stupid go and drink it..serves us right..darl was worse...his both lips were swollen...he was dripping with sweat...went to kopitiam halfway to buy tissue paper..n when he smoked, he couldn't feel it at all coz his whole mouth was numb...haha....both of us were quite lang bei after the dinner lar...

but the food there realli quite nice...should bring the usual gang to go try..but i tink ming will sure die...too spicy for him...haha

TODAE
okok..todae is like the WORST man!!! I woke up at like 9am...when my dine-out is at 930am?!?!?! wtf!?!? of course i couldn't make it down in time...tried to rush...got ready by 915...which was quite incredible considering i have to wear the suit, stockings, do my hair nicely n makeup...but at 915, there were no cabs available...fark...this dine-out quiz is like so damn blardy important and i act couldn't wake up for it...damn!!! something's wrong with my alarm clock...

aw...so i'm gg for the quiz tom instead...sighz...n i have to rush back for qm test immed after..duno how to rush sia...wearing biz suit n all oso..cannot run...sianz...

aw..i just finished lou hei..todae is ren ri...n finally, i've come to the end of my blog..haha..i'm sure i missed out a lot of tings...but then, i tink i shld start studying for my qm quiz oredi...haven touched yet...hee...

kk...hope i haven bored all of u out there....

Sat Afternoon

2005-02-05T13:28:00.000+08:00

hmmzz...haven been updating my blog in a while...main reason is coz of my laptop, which has no charger...secondly, dun realli hav to mood to blog too...

anyway...met up with my poly frens on thur...was supposed to meet shyan...but sighz i kenna dua...make me go all the way to al ahmeen...so far...for nothing...had a good time with my poly frens though..n i actually made the effort to take a bus home...an incredible feat on my part..haha...feel so proud of myself...

ohh..forgot to mention...before that i went shopping with clara n kelly....bought my biz suit, shoes, adidas jacket and a mango top....haven been shopping in so long...suddenly feel quite into it...just that have to lose weight first...damn!!! i hate shopping when i'm fat...everything looks like shit on me....

after the supper that dae...was at the playground below my place with kelly...had a v good talk with her...i like these kinda sessions...esp now when i dun tell anyone my stuff now....coz shyan is oredi so distant and has his own life liaoz...sighz....i tink i'm going thru a quarter life crisis rite now...just like wat ah ben said....

fri was okie...went to sing with the usual ppl n meizhen...haven sang with her for a long time...so it was quite nice...the song "ge qian" by jay chou keeps ringing in my head...even up till now....nice song...v sad...

after that met kelly, ming n cheryl...went to far east to eat the fish n chips again...n ended up at macafe (is that hw it's spelt?) at lido...toking mainly crap lar...haha....was supposed to join su san for ktv after that...but due to some other reasons...decided to go home....

i'm sorri kelly...for the quiet bus ride home...tink i gave u the pissed n sian look...hee...sorri for that....

aw...just woke up now...gg play game...hee

bored...

2005-02-02T02:59:00.000+08:00

supposed to b sleeping now...got an 830 class tom..but hmmz...i'm quite bored..so i will blog a while first...

my weekend was okie...fri went to mr bean to chill n then supper...sat was at home the whole dae...till at 12 plus, got too bored..went to dbl o with meizhen, jiahao, vincent, andy and guohong...got giddy after a while...tink my fainting spells are coming back...

sun was at home rushing out assignments n studying quiz for mon...couldn't wake up for BP in the morning...damn!!! the mktg quiz was okie lar...

after that, went home n stayed home...tue was the same...onli went for supper at railway station just now....

wat else...darl was nice lar...brought printer down for me..but it couldn't work..duno y..

feeling bored nowadaes...duno y...hmmz...still tinking whether to meet shyan tom...if i dun, i wun get to meet him till after 14 feb..coz he's going back to miri...sighz...it's a pity how frenships can get so distant after not meeting for a while...it's quite sad lar...

kk...duno wat else to blog le...sianz....

Baking...

2005-01-28T15:13:00.000+08:00

darl is still sleeping...lazy lazy...waiting for him to wake up...

so in the meantime, baked a cake for him...hee....i personally do not realli fancy chocolate but darl loves it a lot...so of course...guess wat cake i baked?

no prizes for the correct answer...duhz...so obvious...

aw...gg to find some self-entertainment first before darl wakes up....

suay

2005-01-27T10:04:00.000+08:00

blogging at home in the morning now...damn!!! took the effort to do my readings for todae's seminar..BUT i have sausage lips again...so i can't go to school...sighz

aw...something happened to my sister yest lar...damn suay...she was at the arcade in PS with her bf...saw a group of ppl of whom one of them was her bf's fren...the next minute, one gal came up to them n told them that her bf's fren wanted to tell them something...so told them to go to the carpark as he was there...

when they reached there, they din see the fren...instead they saw the whole group of ppl...consisting of 3 guys and 3 gals...n then one of the gals slapped my sister...wat the hell!!! they insisted that my sis was staring at them when in actual fact my sis din even do that...n so my sis said, "if i stared at u, then i'm sorry"..

n the next min, the hooligans started grabbing her n whacked her...they kept on knocking her head against the wall till she was giddy n nauseous...her bf tried to help her...but he was whacked by the other 3 guys too....

not sure wat happened after that, but they let her go n the bf stayed behind...tink he called his brother down or something....sighz....

so my sis got back n my mum brought her to the hospital for an xray...there's a big bump on her head and scratch marks on her body...we wanted her to report the case to the police..but she didn't want to...

y are there such childish n unreasonable ppl in the world....n my sis doesn't even noe them....sighz....she's just damn suay lar....

Dead Tired...

2005-01-26T19:03:00.000+08:00

Just got back from school...full day of classes todae...n it's like, in wenyang's words...Shiok!! Steam!!! haha....realli quite tired...

spent the whole of yest trying to solve some QM question...but still din get the right answer...sianz....n that stupid brian was darn irritating during presentation....arghz...

yest darl came over to my place...at least we managed to do some work...whilst we were having dinner at hougang ctrl, oso saw yin n esther...ppl I haven seen in quite a while....:)

went to play a little pool after dat with darl before we started studying...hmmz...playing with him is a little stressful...so i tink i will go into secret training first...n i tink i'm an absolute idiot at angles...my geometry sux...always seem to have some parallex error.....

darl was v nice after that...he stayed to help me solve some maths tingy...coz i forgot all my logarithm rules...haven touched them in aeons...i tink i should revisit my maths again...this will not do man!!!

Aw as i said in my tagboard...i realli like this blogskin..courtesy of my dearest darl...haha....i think he knocked out oredi...coz he hasn't slept since yest....

ohhh..n of course, one more v nice ting dat darl did for me todae..this morn, he printed some stuff for me n went to my sch to have breakfast n to pass the stuff to me at 8am....hmmz...that's v sweet....nice nice...

okiez...assignments are piling up...trademark of SMU curriculum...no more slacking for the next few daes....damn!!!

Tired mondae...

2005-01-25T02:29:00.000+08:00

went for morning class todae...BP...realli take my hat off to the prof..i've neva seen such a lor sor prof..he just went on n on n on n on...hmmm...on second thots, i tink brian rodrigue is just as bad if not worse...at least prof KKY is nice...

met darl after that...went to kbox for lunch...ming n cheryl supposed to join us but didn't in the end....so we ended up with the two of us going to sing...had a tiff with darl...n was quite pissed n sad...but managed to work tings out lar...so everyting's fine now...:)

went for badminton again...haha..at warren country club..with darl, gio n his dad...i seem to b playing badminton quite often...actually, was realli quite tired..initial plan was to go home rest n do work...but wellz...all for my darlz...:)

then at 10pm, we watched the new TV sitcom: Desperate Housewives...it's okie lar..not bad, quite farnie but a little lame...entertaining i would say...

now chatting with darl online...was actually falling asleep just now liaoz coz i just got home not long ago..but i do wan to treat darl betta...tink mayb it's true that i haven been treating him as well as in the past....

tom tom tom....i dread tom...coz i finally have to seriously get down n do work...got assignments due on wed...argh...sianz...

just back frm railway...

2005-01-23T04:57:00.000+08:00

5am in the morning..just got home...n again..din manage to do any work todae...sighz....

whole dae was at darl's place..supposed to wake up n reach his place round 12 plus...but my alarm cok up again..or mayb it's just me who subconsciously switched it off...hmmmz...aw...woke up at bout 2pm...reached darl's place bout 4 plus...sighz...so of course din do any work lar...

so we stayed home the whole dae...n went for supper n shisha with darl n co....ate quite a lot lar...n yeah!!! we may be going abroad during the summer holz...so kewl...haven travelled beyond msia for quite some time...hee....so exciting....

aw quite awake nw..so prob gg do some surfing online first...waiting for darl to come online...miss him oredi...altho been spending everydae with him...but it isn't enuff...love ya lots my darl....hee

slacker...

2005-01-22T04:24:00.000+08:00

hmmz...past few daes din go sch...shitz...sian...arghz...must find back my determination...if nt my darl ling ling is gg to kill me...hee...sori yar..muakz muakz...

aw thur went to JB with darl n co. to eat seafood...the food is nt bad lar...n definitely cheaper than singapore lar..each person paid like bout SGD12 bucks...

fri went to play badmintan with darl n co....played for a while onli coz we onli booked one court n there were too many of us...was supposed to go to sch for mentoring meeting but there was a change in location...so couldn't make it in the end...

after that, went to causeway pt with giovanna, darl n keefe...went to catch "Elektra"...the show was okie...jennifer garner's darn fit lar...kinda scary sia....

n YEAH!!! little mongrel's found a home...at shyan's uncle's house...hmmm....hopefully the uncle is a very nice person...nt like shyan...haha

relationship wise, tink i must try to treat darl betta...it's not realli fair to him..coz i noe he is realli making an effort....but sometimes, every small little ting will remind me of julianna n him...n each time i will feel darn hurt..dat's why will appear sian....but i do love darl a lot lar...will try to make tings work out for us in the long run..at least now, i'm not the onli one who's putting in effort...

okok..tom must study le...hee....canot play so much..got assignments due next week sia...n not started yar...arghhhzzz....

trust

2005-01-20T02:12:00.000+08:00

now blogging on limited laptop battery life...haha...aw...feel bit reflective todae....so shall be sharing some quotes on something i have been thinking about lately..."trust"...

"Ace: When you love someone, you've gotta trust them. There's no other way. You've got to give them the key to everything that's yours. Otherwise, what's the point? And, for a while, I believed that's the kind of love I had. "-Casino (1995)

"The best proof of love is trust." -Joyce Brothers

hmmmz...trust is truly a very fragile ting...in the past when i used to hear people say "things that are broken will neva be mended, there will inevitably still be cracks"...

All along, I have neva realli believed in that...i always felt that if there was love and effort, things would realli be fine...but now, i guess my view towards this has changed...all the little cracks, tho not visible initially for the first few falls, will accumulate and one day, the cracks will become so visible that one cannot ignore it...i guess i m at this point in time now...

if u love someone, there should be trust...so if there is no trust, does it mean that there is no love? hmmmz...

well...despite all these, i still truly belif in love and fighting for it...tho it is realli difficult to trust now...i am realli trying...i know it is an uphill task but i m putting my all in for this...if things still dun go the way i expect it to, then i guess the onli ting i can do for my loved one is then to let go...

aw..people who are reading this...dun b mistaken...i'm not in any relationship problems now...it's just some reflection and personal struggles on my part...darl is very nice to me now...it's just that i'm being haunted by ghosts of the past and it's bothering me a lot...

n kelly, if u are reading this, dun worry, i m still sticking to our agreement bout allowing u to slap me...haha...i mean it...

okok...enuff bout such negative reflection...back to mpw...arghhhzzz

2005-01-19T19:31:00.000+08:00

the little mongrel...soo cute...up for adoption! anyone wans to adopt lemme noe...if not would hav to send to spca...